Paradise Cafe Discussions - A Place For Bible Research And Christian Encouragement

Dear Sis Willa:love:,

Thank you for your posts and thanks to Wolfie, too.

I like these scriptures. They automatically "ping" into my head in order to give my children spiritual substance. Guess what? Its not really working. Besides, the in and out of the Kingdom Hall; my life crashed and burned so badly-my sons do not believe in God.

Here's what happened to completely alter my life-

My four children and I were in Georgia. My husband, at the time, father of two children, had left us. We were staying in a one bedroom hotel until we could get into an apartment. The house my husband picked for us was molded all over, leaked water and the heater didn't work. It was Jan-Feb, too cold at night and my oldest son and I were ill from the mold. It would grow on the cupboards with a couple of days of bleaching-it was green and vengeful mold!

So, my husband goes back to Texas. He was doing cocaine with buddies back there. My baby found a pack in a sneaker one day. If she stuck it in her mouth, I would not want to think of the consequences:rant:

Anyways, my children and I were moving into an apartment, finally. I bought a box of wine, a bad habit that I was starting to abuse in my marriage. I wasn't drinking before my marriage.I met our neighbors across the hall way were from Africa. Me, being friendly, was my first mistake. After too much wine and over tired from moving the neighbor raped me. I don't remember much except my challenging child coming out (he was 6 yrs old-now 14) and witnessing the act while I was crying not to do it! You won't believe the mistake I made. I acted like it never happened and told my son that he was wrong, it wasn't that. Since, I was already defiled, I soon got into a relationship with a man who said he couldn't have children. He said he would love to help me with mine and was very emotional about the issue. Guess what? I got pregnant. I shouldn't of had premarital sex. I just wanted to cover things over with my children. The man rejected me. I went through the pregnancy and chose to give the baby girl up for adoption. This is the most heartbreaking experience, especially for my youngest daughter. It took about years for her to feel secure. I couldn't handle five children by myself. I was mentally and physically unable to deal with my four children and working, much less another newborn. All because I chose to cover up a rape instead of being bold and calling the police and dealing with my children over it. I ended up having to confront it with truth anyways. I just made it worse. We moved away from the apartments (the man moved) and moved to the mountains. I met someone who was God fearing and liked my children. He died seven weeks after meeting, car accident. I became a little self destructive with grief and drank and tried to kill myself with alcohol. The pain is too much, sometimes.

So, my son's conclusions. How can there be a God if so much bad happens to their mom who loves God so much? I say it doesn't work like that. I think time will help, it can't hurt much more.

Thanks Sis, I had to dump the rest out there. My son needs to go through these things again, I think. He's been talking to his dad. He understands my choice about the adoption. Rem says that I had a difficult decision and I made the right decision. My oldest loves me but I can sense that he disappointed with my choices. He doesn't want to do anything like me:thumbsupI'll take the good from that one.

So, that's how I became completely heart broken. Perhaps a little crazy from my walk about back from self destruction. I like the new me better (except for the wrinkles and face of deep sorrow). I am more cautious around people. This is probably one reason why I'm dealing with an ex again. I don't know what will happen day by day, right now. I'm even worried over my rent. So my life is in our Father's hands.

Last, I would like to say...I have lived most of my time raising my children by myself. This is not a being alone thing. God even tried to stop me from marrying my first husband. I wouldn't listen.

Well, group, I leave my soul pretty bare in your hands. I want the suffering in this world to stop SOOOOO much! I HATE it here. I just want to take care of my kids OK. They have been through a lot. I'm not drinking or being self destructive. I feel really horribly sad, alot. But, I am only adding more lines of sorrow. I wish I had not brought them into such a difficult existence. I believed in fairy tales. Now, the fairy tales are gone.

With Sis Love, Debbie

Hi Y'all:love:,

I just wanted to write a few lines to let you know that I'm OK. I just wanted to mark throwing the rest of my pain out on the board and off my chest. That was an awful time in my life. It has passed.
I get very hormonal and reach the pits of pain and then I sweep back out to a place of happiness. Like an ocean. Every month. I'm hoping that sharing with my very special spiritual friends with "release" that pain. I think it will be successful:heartbeat:
I did too much this weekend, too. So, I'm bouncing back. I guess I just hope that people that have had bad things happen and choices always feel like there are no good choices...I understand:thumbsup:
I feel God with me. I feel that I can rest now. I'm just not used to resting. It should only get better. :cheer: Although the world around us is pretty scary. I didn't like reading about reality this semester. Some of the way textbooks lead the students, appears to belittle a Creator. So scientific and orderly. Like God or gods are something people used to define their culture, but not real. It made me ill thinking of my children reading the textbook materials in school, dis-attaching themselves because of the textbooks mundane approach to a higher power.
I'm happy to be done this next week. I have a five page term paper on mental illness. I'll just write about myself, I'm sure I can apply enough data from one of my own train wrecks.:whistle: And four final exams.


I've missed you all, Debbie