Wednesday, November 08, 2000
11:00 PM
And now descend the flagstone stairs into my drowning soul,
That I should find the voices there, the children left below,
Abandoned long the doors of time where wind swept in the dark,
Ascending from the bowels of a secret far too stark;
Why did I leave this far too long, to only loath, I feel
There is no one that knows me now for all I did conceal,
And all I crave is honesty, but that soon will be gone,
For I can’t bear hypocrisy from darkness to the dawn;
Within this crypt, this musky dark, this place that I did go,
Lies one thing lost yet I have found more than I need to know,
Please help me friend, O do descend into this cavern deep,
For I cannot face this alone, my sanity to keep;
Tell me I’m real or I will die, I cannot live this way,
For all these voices call to me, they beckon me to stay;
O can I stay with all that live, these clansmen of my head,
And as they raise their voices loud, soon I’m as good as dead;
Please help me leave, find me reprieve, these walls are wearing thin,
Or let me die a kinder death than crumble deep within.
Thursday, November 09, 2000
9:06 AM
Reading book “First Person Plural,†by Dr. Cameron West, up to chapter 13. No memories and am 10 years older. Disturbing that my conscious life has no such gaps. Maybe at point of denial, maybe partly my 34 years of religious studies and interpretation. Not their interpretation ... mine. Talked to sis. this morning. She seems to know so much more than me. Thankfully she seems light-years ahead. Question ... Dissociative Behaviour Syndrome popped into my head. Is there such a thing? Look it up on the internet. No ... nothing but that connected with Dissociative Identity Disorder. My identity is intact, just demanding of different things at inappropriate times. Maybe this is just a prelude. Feeling great need of affection, but nowhere to find it. Men don’t hug. My wife doesn’t feel I’m genuine, therefore I don’t get one from her. None of my kids would understand nor could they bear to see me like this. My sister? Too far away and everyone else would be frightened at the thought ... I feel so alone, like a stone.
Thursday, November 09, 2000
10:41 AM
Feeling very deprived. Can’t seem to function with daily tasks, like I need a fix of some kind of drug. Thoughts of my wife’s personal strife that she can’t share this painful entry. Feel guilty for leaning on others like my sister, Beth, Skylar, Helena … and all others who love me but have no idea what to do with or for me. I need a female counterpart. Why? Because I am begging for affirmation of something not absent but perhaps in denial of sexuality, that I have restrained this part of my life for so many years out of a sense of duty, but maybe more out of a sense of my inability to separate it from genuine affection. What have they done to me? is what I ask so often. I blame no one, but take responsibility for everything so that none will leave me for my demands upon them. I value every new and renewed friendship. My wife is so distant. I can’t blame her . . absorbs herself in the very things I avoid. I’m the lazy one. Got nothing to cry about. Need to be strong, a man needs to be strong. That’s the way we were built.
Thursday, November 09, 2000
1:23 PM
Once again I screwed up with Beth. She must think I’m so weird. Wish I knew what was going on in her head, or maybe she in mine … then again, maybe not. Still foraging through this book. Can’t seem to get a handle on why my whole life seems to be going upside down as I read it. All I know is that in some ways I wish I was the author. At least he’s over the worst. Of course it helps to have a wife with a psychology degree and an emotionally intact relationship to boot. Amazing how much work a guy can do while derailed. Somehow I seem to be able to separate the huge emotional roller coaster, switching between Mr. Squary and Mr. Roundy.
My 10 min. poem:
Where does this end this spiral stair, I cannot see so far;
There is no lamp to light my way, no helping hand, no star;
Though how I yearn to find just one who tries to understand,
How far this journey must I go before I come to land;
For I am not where I can stand, for who can stand on air?
Or who can walk the seas of foam without the urchin’s lair?
For she has spoken from afar she beckons me to come,
But I’ll not let her take the blame for what I will become,
So I’ll avoid, make her annoyed with me so indecise,
Because I love her far too much for things so imprecise
As loving eyes, a tender kiss, a heart that yearns to share
That winsome face, one more embrace, but does she really care?
For I cannot predict the heart, so fickle and so strange,
And it will surely let me down, it has no mind to change;
O please stay there, I need your care, no longer will I ask
But if you must go with the wind, I’ll understand this task
Was far too difficult for you to hold my hand so tight,
That I should ask that you remain and help me through this night.
Friday, November 10, 2000
10:12 AM
Well here it is the first day of the rest of my life and it’s a great day to kick off the best day of the rest of my life. Only wish there was someone around to share the joy of it all. Unfortunately, it seems that lately when I get into this mood I always manage to allow negative Nellie (my dark monitor), to remind me that it must be a sin to feel this way. Well he ain’t going to do it to me today, kiddo, not on your life.
My wife needs her husband back and all guilty parties have to regroup and justify their existence. The pilot is back at the wheel, but secretly turned on the autopilot (haha fooled y’all), kinda like the guy who looks like he’s really playing the player piano.
Anyway, seriously, making appointment with doc for shot in the backside. Hope to stabilize enough for the next storm, which seems to be coming without warning. Had long talk with bus and all the stuff they’ve been dealing with Bensen OD’ing on his meds and Tiernan not taking his. And I thought my problems were bad. But I got to stop that way of thinking. Why do I always minimize my ailments? Because they appear to be so minute compared to the rest of the world?
Friday, November 10, 2000
3:22 PM
Finished off with Doc Forrester and now to check into outpatient clinic or psycho ward. Can’t believe this is me talking, never would have done this a year ago … even a month ago. Took my wife and my daughter out to lunch and long conversation on my daughter’s depression. Poor kid. Buying a house and becoming instant landlords is not my way of kicking off a newly married state. She married more than a husband, she married the whole family.
After departing for the office, phoned everybody on my ‘buddy’ list. Beth is the greatest. Wish Beth were my private, personal buddy, but that won’t happen. Besides, she needs to be there for everybody else on her buddy list. What good is anyone if you can’t share buddies with buddies. She is so good at giving in everything and every way. Wish I could do it as easily and consistently as she.
Beth the Best you got the short end of the guys you wanted, and needed, to be men in your life. You deserved so much more. Why were you soooo short changed? Part of me says you were cheated in the things you gave. But a bigger part says you weren’t, mainly because you got me and a million others just like me, kid. And I wouldn’t part with you for all the wine in the Napa Valley (and that’s a lot of wine), or trade you for any other person. You worry that you would drive people crazy … well I’ve got news for you, I’m already crazy. Besides, how can you drive me any crazier than I already am, esp. when I’m crazier than you?
Beth, dear, sweet friend, I think you left a big part of yourself behind when you started being what you thought everyone else wanted you to be. Anyone who has come to know you must understand by now how much you expended yourself, beyond anything expected of you, to a fault. Even if failure and disappointments do follow and haunt you with guilt for all that you couldn’t complete, that you might even regret not being a better friend (‘never make a promise you can’t keep,’ is my motto).
Maybe some regret, but not I, even if you couldn’t be there for me, I have and never will regret knowing you and all you did for me and others, even that little girl who forgot herself so that others could find their way. And what am I to do but stand from a distance and wish, or dream, or try in my own little way to imagine who she was ... is. Maybe I could have made a difference if I had known her long ago, but that’s all over now.
You need to know that you have a permanent friend in me, forever. No strings attached. Nothing to live up to. No exchange program. And I will never, ever make you feel guilty again, for any feeling, good or bad, that you or I have again. Just promise me the same. It’s enough for us to live with our own.
Sunday, November 12, 2000
11:47 PM
I’m sure Beth thinks I’m mad at her. She didn’t return my message ... but then that’s understandable. I was really in the dumpster. Spent 2 hours Saturday and another 4 hours this afternoon (3pm-7pm) at the ER. Really think Dr. Schrenk (Dpsych) was out of it. End of the day liked nurse Pat yesterday better. Seemed more tuned into me even though just a psych nurse. He sort of waved off any childhood abuse and dissociative behaviour. Said I didn’t have it and I might just be moderately depressed. Felt a lot of what I said was ‘normal’ .. I don’t think so. So I have my doubts. Think I will try the 21st St. clinic.
Tuesday, November 14, 2000
3:27 PM
Got to write more frequently and succinctly. Not doing much better with medication … second day taking half dose … profound weariness last night. Got called by the hospital this morning. Also got called by Beth … guess she not mad (why does it matter?). got to stop thinking of her this way. Obviously nothing I can do for her and what can she do for me but drive me nuts?
My issues are with women and she should know that. Maybe I got to spell it more clearly. Need some therapy around this … need to force the issue a little more until I can get it. Marla phoned again last night. Appealed so much to preserve what I have and not to let it go. Marriage worth fighting for … yes I agree, but I really need some help here.
Tuesday, November 14, 2000
11:41 PM
Starting to notice symptoms, very slight nausea, but increased need to pass a stool, heat waves come and go with minors sweats, extreme fatigue, shakiness, and raw sensation on roof of mouth. Phoned Skylar and hope she returns call.
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
8:13:14 AM
Slept like a log (don’t know anyone who was ever a log so I don’t quite get the connection). So happy I didn’t have to take the study last night. I couldn’t anyway. Even Wilbur was asking questions I was having difficulty computing, although I did remember some historical notes from some things I read in the past. Actually heard myself commenting like I was normal or something.
Totally not focused. Finally gave Beth bottle of my Rhine wine, but removed my letter ... a little too engulfing with praise, esp. coming from me. Besides, she looked a little more ragged than usual. Had that ‘don’t wanna get into it’ look. Medication feels like a ton of bricks on my head. Not sending emails to anyone right now because my whole personality structure seems to be changing. Faking who I was/am is easier because guilt doesn’t seem to follow me as relentlessly.
Damnit this system is bureaucratic. No reaction from anyone unless I’m acute ... or fake it, maybe even suicide. It’s like shoveling my way through a landfill trying to find help. Two hours on Sat at hospital with psych nurse ... then 2 and half hours wait for Dr for a total of 4 hours on Sunday. I don’t know any client that would wait for me ‘til 5.30 for a 3.00 appt. Then another hour and a half with him, but I think he was bagged worse than me and kept asking all the wrong questions. I think the psych nurse was making better headway. Seemed a lot more interested in what I was going through. This guy was completely out of sync. Even asked if I was gay ... and that was after me telling him about all my childhood abuse and fantasies of women. Taking copious notes ... hope he doesn’t lose any pages before reading them. I simply shut down and I think he knew it. Said I just needed an antidepressant to get me out of there, then another month before he would be free to see me. Not good enough for me.
Besides, I think he’s gay and I somehow have this aversion to his personality ... i.e. we don’t click. I think my sister was right. I need a woman therapist since my issues seem to be in that proximity. Guys just think too Freudian ... and how many times I get sex is not my problem. Right now I could care less about sex or anything related to it. Wish someone could just read my mind ... my feelings ... but that’s asking a little too much. So next step is to check out the 21st St. clinic, then to hosp. if nothing there. This is like a whole new occupation just trying to sort out how this system works so I can somehow fit into it ... not that I even want to..
Wednesday, November 15, 2000
10:17 PM
Tried walk-in clinic and told me 10:30 am only, every day BUT Wed. My timing was never great. Now its really coming on strong. Don’t seem to have any control. Hands and arms have tremors. Nervous system seems unstable and have constant ‘empty’ feeling in gut. Food making me sick. Cold turns to hot, then cold again. Am I getting better or worse? Right now it seems like worse. Trying to shake the profound weight from pushing my eyeballs into their sockets. Is this what they all go through? Those poor souls who are always medicated? If this is life then I question the logic of living it. Late appt. took me till 7.30 tonight. Passed by Thurlow and looked as if somebody jumped from a building. Ambulances and a large crowd of people, a really eerie sight.
Is it really worth it to do this? my wife is ready to disown me for sure. I don’t even feel a part of anything anymore. Maybe I’m just a crybaby and need to be tougher. Some people just make me feel so really stupid, like a little kid who never really knew the score, or even how the game was to be played ... no dignity left here, no ego ... nuthin. All gone to the dogs and I wonder if there’s anyone out there that really wants to love a basket case like me. (Geeeez I hate self-pity). I should just go to bed and ... wish Charlie’s Angels were doing reruns. I could lose myself watching those three sweethearts in their racy Pinto ... or maybe Bay Watch, or is it Babe Watch. Something mindless hey? nummmbeenumbnumbnumb.
Thursday, November 16, 2000
6:33 PM
Going to bed. But not before saying that I think it was a stupid idea to take this stupid medicine and that I am so stupidly useless like tits on a bull when it comes to doing anything on any level. Spent my entire morning trying to catch up from the day before and then end up in the walk-in clinic that is more like a packed-in clinic. Filled out pages of meaningless and ambiguous multiple choice questions (I never did well in English Lit or any of that interpretation stuff) that would probably have given me a minus score if it were the simplest psychology exam. Then had this rather matronly gal probably my age asking me the same questions Doc Schrink asked. But this time my answers flowwwwwwed. Why? Why are women soooooooooo much easier for me to talk to? Anyway, my wiles got me nowhere and she said I would have to wait ‘til a cancellation or just keep coming back. Third time lucky ... they HAVE to take you on the third attempt (new rule ... small mercy)
My eyes are half shut and have been all day. I could sleep for a thousand years. There is no mercy in this druggy stuff. Beth, I curse you for telling me to get on this stupid Rx (no not yet ... later I will). Good thing I don’t stay mad long. Maybe I should put on a white sheet and stalk the graveyard as a zombie. Don’t think anyone’ll know the diff. I look like one without the sheet. Goodnight world.
Saturday, November 18, 2000
1:56 PM
Feeling a little more stabilized. Now starting to wonder what all the fuss was about. Nothing seems acute or severe anymore ... at least not as much.
Yesterday was the worst in history. Anxiety was so severe I thought I was losing the love of my life. Just got news my childhood sweetheart died of cancer. Hadn’t seen her for a couple of years. Talked truth a bit but didn’t really get into it as much as I would have liked. Told her I would keep in touch but never did (story of my life). Even then she was looking a little wasted. VP with Army & Navy takes its toll in stress and that’s what did it to her. Had long talk with her GM and said they really missed her. Said she was the greatest boss they ever had, but admitted she wore herself out at the post. Gotta send flowers or something to her family, but right now too sick and too far behind on everything.
Actually felt so sick yesterday I wanted to find a peaceful way to end it all. But the feeling wore off as the day wore on and by about 10 PM I was ready to go beddybyes. Slept till about 2:30 AM then couldn’t get back to sleep for hours. Actually got up and went in service with Wilbur and Ruth. Great couple. Need more like them. Probably already do but we live such a sheltered life we never get to meet them all.
Well back to my duties as househusband ... having company. Gotta fire up the barbycue. TTFN.
Monday, November 20, 2000
9:55 PM
Finally got called into assessment. Had opening last minute for 1:00 PM and I took it. Greeted by pleasant Japanese woman, RN with a degree or two in psychology. Grace is her name, nice name. Later joined by Dr. Fabian the psychiatrist, young man, maybe late twenties ... maybe looks younger than he is. Hard to read him ... harder for him to read me I think. Questioned me with all the same stuff as I had already filled out in the form. Maybe they were checking if I was the same guy, who knows? Anyway I felt really uncomfortable spilling my guts to the both of them, but I guess both needed to be there to complete the assessment. Then he left me with Grace. She asked if I wanted to continue just with medication or if I wanted therapy. Again I was hesitant. I guess it really depended on who and how long, and besides, I was still having this trust thing happening. She was very patient and let a long silence pass before I finally admitted I thought I was wasting her time. She immediately assured me I wasn’t. Then I said I wasn’t sure what to do. She responded that I should take my time, which I did. So I asked if I could choose my therapist .... even her if it worked that way. She again assured me that it was my choice. I then asked if I could think about it for awhile. Till tomorrow. She said fine and set up a meeting for the next day. This was all too easy it seemed.
Tuesday, November 21, 2000
7:33 PM
Had my first increased dose of celexa. No particular effect. Met with Grace for 3:30 app. Sure is a cool lady. Real poker face, which is kinda good because just one bad look and I’d be outa there in a shot. We exchanged the usual niceties and then she just leaned back and let me talk. Told her all the things I felt safe about, most recent abuse recounted by my brother and sister, but also my errant behaviour, my fantasies, the lapses of childhood memories. All the stuff I told Dillon 5 years before, and like him, I expected her response might be similar, but no, there was something different about her. She just kept asking how I felt about it, both now and then. She’d dig for feelings which at that point it dawned on me that I knew I hadn’t been expressing. In fact I had to confess that I had no feeling toward very much anymore, which is precisely what was making me feel so guilty now ... again I apologized for wasting her time. Nope, she just kept coming back that I wasn’t, that it was just my depressed state talking. She then asked what I really expected, what I really wanted to achieve from my visit ... was it just to patch me up, slow down my brain? Maybe be on meds for the rest of my life, or did I want to dig deeper?
Was I prepared for the journey? What journey? She assured me one thing ... it would be painful and not without wishing I never started, but if I really wanted to get a handle on it, without the meds, then ... well, it was ultimately my decision. I was at a loss. What should I do? Did I HAVE to make the decision now? Again the answer was neutral, take your time she said. Okay I would try. Next question. What is the most important thing that you want out of this treatment? Again I have to think. Man is this painful. I really feel like giving up. I just want to be normal again. What’s normal? And there’s no such thing as again ... can’t go back, can I? Nope. Can’t go back and start over. I’m here. What’s truly important at this point? To be happy I guess, but that’s such a vanilla answer, pathetic really. Everybody wants to be happy. What will make me happy? Being normal again ... finding love, affection, all those things I thought I had but they were molded and plasticized through many years of perfectionism. Something I had learned from childhood on, all those plastic kisses and hugs I saw my mom and dad give each other, all those mechanical ones I got too, and passed on to my marriage ... my kids. Never really learned to love, to feel it, to send it. Never had the fire of it in my blood. Deprived of it and deprived others in the process, my wife esp. I was so empty inside, so numb, so helpless, so without real feelings. What do I want to achieve? I want to know what its like to have a real relationship with my wife. What else is there to wish for. She never had a chance. But then again, does she want it from me? Does ANYBODY? Scheduled another visit for next Tuesday. Hope I can last.
Thursday, November 23, 2000
1:12 PM
Never had a night like last night. Woke up at 2 am with every conceivably bad thought that could ever enter my brain. Hot and cold all at the same time. If I bundled myself up, I’d break out in a sweat. If I threw the blankets off I would shiver to the bone. Head ached and general weakness from head to foot. Thought maybe this was the end. Finally slept … then dragged myself up like a zombie, took one look in the mirror and fell to a dead faint. Got the market reports off comp. U.S. markets closed today, but that’s OK don’t have to make any decisions. My wife trying to bear with me. My son totally disillusioned with me, lost his trust in humanity. Really regret him seeing all this. Sent Beth e-mail. Not going well with her either. Wish I could do something but I’m truly helpless.
We learn. Live and learn. Can’t ever go back and undo/redo the past. I have so many things to fix or just plain regret, don’t know where to start. The wounded can only support the wounded 'til one falls. I guess that’s when the therapist comes in, someone more stable, more organized in their head can just listen to me and follow me down the road I take them, never assuming, presuming, allowing my words to trigger their own hellish memories. I was stupid to think I could intellectualize myself out of this whole thing. All I accomplished was making the prison walls much wider and more complex, unwittingly compounding my problem, and the ultimate solution, which is what I don’t yet know. I do know one thing. I need to begin to get to the source, otherwise I will be of no use to myself or anyone else. Don’t even know at the end of it all whether I will be all alone, whether I will even want what I get in the end. No, must think beyond that. There is much to live for. Just don’t see it right now. Need to learn, to feel to love ... again.
Friday, November 24, 2000
8:45 PM
Alarm goes off 6:15 am. This is madness. Maybe 4 hours sleep at best. Why was I torturing myself like this. Going to the Transamerica roadshow for 7:30 breakfast meeting is really dumb in my condition. After the fact, wish I’d stayed in bed. What a waste of time. They could’ve told me as much in a five minute phone call. Just too painful to stay another minute when we finally filed into the next ballroom for buffet lunch. How could they reserve such posh amenities as two ballrooms of a posh hotel for 200+ agents and brokers and have only one little table to serve them a buffet lunch ... so gauche. Spent the rest of the day trying to catch up with last month’s disasters and this months lagging business. Another headache. I think I should just bang my head against the wall and give it a reason to hurt. Wish I could see Grace today. Need someone to talk to, but all my helpers are on vacation. Can’t wait ‘til this day is over.
Saturday, November 25, 2000
11:53 PM
Well the weekend was Dullsville for everyone around me, but maybe not as bad as it felt. Nice dinner at Peterson’s. Dotty always puts on a great spread. Red wine and some political Greek and Roman history intellectualizing with Aaron. Love to challenge and tussle his mental genius. He’s so well read. It’s like a game of chess between us. We get all the pawns out on the board and then we find out just who’s memory is better. I can usually get him tangled up at the beginning, but that’s my ploy ... to lead him quickly into territory I know I know better because I’m more recently read, then, while he’s off balance, I get to pump him for all its worth, gaining from all his recent research. Saves me a ton of reading myself. When he talks, I learn. One day I hope to be half as smart as him.
Then again, his prognosis ain’t so good. Ten years before he loses his macular vision. And I thought I was going blind to cataracts. At least that’s repairable. Macular Degeneration is not. It’ll be the end of reading entirely for him. Not only that, alcohol accelerates the disease, so I couldn’t even share a bottle of good wine with him anymore. Ten years max to read if he stays off the wine, then ... and he loves to read so much. What a lousy deal that is. Anyway, we finished off the evening with five great rounds of crib. As per needed ego boost, the guys won. Well, what can I say? Don’t know what we would’ve done if we lost.
Sunday, November 26, 2000
10:03 PM
This morning I kept up a pretty good act, pasted a smile on so that most were unaware of my inner turmoil, although I just can’t hide my lackluster eyes from those who know them. No more sparkle, says Precilla. How come? Gee, I don’t know. Maybe I forgot to shine them. Showered my body, washed my face, brushed my teeth, combed my hair, but I forgot to polish my eyes. Good thing she’s got a good sense of humour, eh? She said her good-byes and left me my dignity, but not before extending her hand to help in some way.
She’s a great gal, been through a lot herself. Every one of them. So helpful. Almost want to cry. Now so full of anxiety and for no reason. Don’t understand where that’s coming from. Thought these were happy pills I was taking. Still not feeling much diff except this tightness in my throat and the empty pit in my stomach, but this anxiety! Don’t seem to have the courage I used to, almost like I lost my nerve completely. Don’t feel like meeting anyone anymore. Gotta force myself tomorrow ... gotta force myself to go out and work, to try to look normal. Maybe that’s the problem. Don’t know what normal is anymore. No. Just tired of playing it.
Thursday, November 30, 2000
4:21 PM
Can’t call this a ‘daily’ journal cause I’m starting to resist making entries. Wish I was more structured like some people I know, but that will probably never be. I suppose this week was a little disappointing ... actually I was looking forward to my session with Grace, but it left me hanging a bit. In fact I found myself apologizing again for wasting her time, but that is my guilt coming through again. My problems must seem sooooooo minuscule compared to others she talks to. Again, my assumption.
What can I say? I’m driven by guilt from the time I can remember. Told her about the poetry .. particularly the ‘dark stuff,’ and she asked me to read one, which I did. Then she took it from me and read it again, saying, “this is very dark isn’t it?†Finally she looked down at her watch after about 1 1/2 hours, told me our time was up and we rescheduled our next app. with the Dr. Shrink (Fabian).
I remember once writing about my greatest dilemma in sports. Turned me off competitive sports almost completely. Always fought the inner battle along with the outer ... needed to win to satisfy my own ego, but apologizing to my losing opponent for damaging his. No-win situation, huh? Story of my life. Sabotage your win to appease the underdog.
Tuesday about 2 PM, started to see weird ‘parenthesis’ images to the right peripheral side of my right eye. Seemed to be ‘flashes’ somehow excited by ever-so-slight eye movements to the left. Continued through the afternoon and later, after b. study, I walked into a dark room and noticed the flash was not just an image, it was like a thin half circle of light, which startled me because even when I cupped my hands over my eye, the flash got even brighter.
Remembered reading about detached retinas, that this was a classic symptom of the event. Looked it up on the internet and it said not to waste any time. Basically, 24 hours to reattach, or permanent blindness. First to the clinic before closing time at 9 PM, then referred to ER till 11 PM. Then had to cancel my 8 AM appt to see ophthalmologist the next morning, who froze both eyes and proceeded to poke his spoon around my eyeball while telling me rather sharply to stop wincing and look to this side, then that side, then down ... way down ... then up .... waaaayy up, sorta reminiscent of my Friendly Giant days, but that’s were the similarity ended. He wasn’t so friendly ... no bedside, or should I say, chairside manner. In the end? No big whoop, as the kids say today.
Told me to keep an ‘eye’ on it for about 2 weeks, and then go for a complete physical. The rest of Wednesday developed same heavy, ‘ton-o-bricks’ feeling on my head yet, still have to work for a living ... can’t stop doing what I do. Starting to worry I can’t keep up anymore. Wondering if this might be permanent. Getting scared. Today got up with a terrible headache, which had been nursing since about 2 AM. Felt like I was starting meds all over again.
Took my son to get his drivers license today at 2:30 PM and he passed, much to my surprise and horror. There goes my ‘safe driver’ discount .. haha. Every single kid of mine has somehow managed to wrinkle a fender or two. And they complain I don’t trust them enough ... yeah, right!
Friday, December 01, 2000
11:00 AM
Suddenly occurred to me that the spiritual side of me is so empty. I guess in my confusion of having my emotions beat the hell out of me, I’ve allowed everything else to slip ... prayer, study, preparation for meetings ... but then everything feels so different. Can’t seem to conjure up desire to GO anywhere or DO anything anymore. Feel like a limp noodle. My head wants to break loose but my heart is in recluse, feeling sorry for all its inhibitions and disappointing ventures.
Almost dreading the circuit assembly this weekend. Not like me to hate crowds .. especially of people I know and who know me for what they thought I was ... what I thought I was, but now so very different. Feel like wearing a mask and hiding in some corner, unnoticed. This would be a good time to move and start a new life where nobody knows who I am .. who they thought I am. Hope this will pass. 2 1/2 weeks on these meds should be starting to kick in something positive. Cognitive levels are same thankfully, but can’t seem to get grip on the anxiety levels. Everything seems to require extreme effort. Can almost hear the rest of the world yelling at me not to be such a baby.
December 1 WT. Has good life experience of ex-missionary suffering with bipolar since 1970 ... undiagnosed for 5 years. Thought bipolar supposed to be kinder word for former, manic depressive, the condition is the same ... wild swings in moods requiring medication forever, at least as far as this life goes. Most people just can’t seem to see this as a legitimate disorder and take everything said and done too seriously, as if the victim is simply not trying hard enough. Can’t wait ‘til paradise. Need it so bad don’t we? Realizing the wisdom of Solomon’s words, “the conclusion of the matter, everything having been heard (something even a child can know and do) is, Fear the true God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole obligation of man.†My one hope is that, in the end, I will be wiser than Solomon. Truly as he said in Ec. 1:16-18, “and my own heart saw a great deal of wisdom and knowledge. And I proceeded to give my heart to knowing wisdom and to knowing madness, and I have come to know folly, that this too is a striving after wind. For in the abundance of wisdom there is an abundance of vexation, so that he that increases knowledge increases pain.â€
Would I give up knowledge to end the pain?
Too Wise
As waters ran so crystal clear
No evil thought would make me fear
That sunny days might bring a tear
To dim the morning bright
It was as if I passed the night
And wakened to a day so light
It shone upon the raven’s flight
Beneath the forest green
And there I found a life serene
Though I had thought my mind so keen
Had learned so well a truth I’d seen
Not ready to be known
And though I carved it out of stone
And stored these waters I would own
I found that I was all alone
A drink I could not share
For I had climbed the lonely stair
Exhausted soon with anxious care
So I have cried in my despair
Above this crowded world
I watched the wind as it had swirled
The sails of time and flags it furled
And while the smoke of conflict curled
I saw what lay ahead.
And though so wise these words I said
They did not ease this desperate dread
That vessels pure from which I fed
Were far too real for me
And now I long to be set free
And I renounce sagacity
My cisterns drain into the sea
A life that I despise
I’ll no more rise to be so wise
But join this world in its disguise
Though there be substance it belies
A portion so untrue
So clear it was, that vision too
I’ll never taste again the dew
High up beneath that sky so blue
It surges down this stream I knew
Its truth I could not share.
Monday, December 04, 2000
5:19 PM
Suppose I’ll have to make this quick. Got a thin timeline here and trying to stay off the comp as much as possible knowing how much it irritates my wife. Everything I seem to be doing generates a fear of reprisal, which is really dumb but then it fits my MO so perfectly. Besides, have to go grab dinner and then a James Brown concert at the Queen E. Just finished my session with Grace and Dr. Shrink. (I should cut him a little more slack, after all he is a nice guy.) So I have two levels of depression ... first is long term ‘moderate,’ and the other so severe they both recommend not doing any therapy on the source until I stabilize in 3 - 4 months. Too traumatic is the opinion. Current therapy recommended just to stabilize me and keep me out of denial which I am already starting to drown in. This is mind-boggling. I hardly believe this happening to me. Thought depression was all about being depressed. Turns out I’ve been ‘acting’ out feelings so well I’ve actually become a ‘life member’ of the acting guild ... but not an act is almost measurable inability to enjoy the things formerly I looked forward to. How long have I had to force myself to get out and do stuff? … can’t remember. Just being around people some days is too much for me and yet I long to be able to just DO something so I can share in those discussions people have that are in fact DOING things with their lives. My life feels empty right now … so meaningless.
12:39 AM
Back by myself in my own little world. Have to finish something I wanted to say earlier but never did. Once again I am in fear ... fear of some kind of failure. Realized this after Dr. Fabian left and Grace and I had a chance to talk candidly about where I should go next, why was I so unprepared to deal with my issues. Wants to see me next Tues. and then after her vacation in 2 weeks after. As we sat in silence she said we had another 10 min., so I could use it up if I wanted to. I said it wasn’t really necessary, but then caught myself. Doing it again … saying I wasn’t important, not deserving, and that was a typical reaction of someone always making room for others in his life but not for himself. Why have I always shoved these feelings away from me ... buried them out of sight chasing down others and their problems but ignoring my own slowly dying self. Never gave myself room for any happiness or joy without adding a darker side. Every silver lining has a black cloud to the guy who feels no right to even a little joy in his life. If something good happens, something bad must follow. I am simply not entitled to feel pure happiness. I don’t deserve it. But it goes deeper. That’s where Grace put the brakes on. ‘Whoa horsie. Why are you always a million miles ahead of the problem? You’re hardly on the meds and you’re already discussing how and when you will stop taking them. You want to rid yourself of depression but you haven’t allowed the meds to even start to work. You can’t start therapy until the full effect is realized, yet you are wanting to get on with it all over with in a matter of days or weeks.’ ‘Oh, you mean you want me to keep coming and boring you with my life?’ Grace has a really nice smile. Meaningful and genuine.
Tuesday, December 05, 2000
12:01 PM
Now reflecting on this so-called life I permitted myself to have, just spending this little time by myself with myself thinking how deeply all this has affected me. Can’t believe the fear of the unknown that has suddenly crept into it, how I’ve kept this part buried so far out of sight. Some things are worth dying for, but this? Guess suicide would be an option if I thought THIS would never end … the uncertainty, abandonment. Never understood this kind of pain … no way out. Can’t escape … can’t resolve. Can’t even START to resolve yet. Need to stabilize.
Now going to take longer and that’s the part I’m not sure I can endure. Funny thing … Grace never asked about religion. Dillon did. That’s how I found out how many brothers were in trouble. He was already treating so many, which of course didn’t help my then idealistic mind. I felt embarrassed that I had ‘the truth that set me free’ but I was imprisoned spiritually by this relentless driving force too powerful against the walls of integrity, finally breaching and flooding me with guilt.
It was intimidating not just for me, but the whole association being somehow compromised by my admission of defeat and so it became a religious, no, spiritual issue, that somehow Jehovah wasn’t good enough … and in the shrink’s opinion, my crutch.
Between the devil and the deep blue sea … no win no matter how I played this out. Finally HAD to become smarter, more wise than my therapist to maintain the inner resolve that my spirituality could do it all. What a mistake. Even told this to Grace … my misgivings of even telling her my religious beliefs so that I might not create once again an impassable route. She never asked and I never told. One day I will … when I can resolve this terrible conflict within. When I start to get better … but Rx not kicking in yet. Another 2-3 weeks, maybe more. Full effect unlikely for 4-5 mos.
Its such a beautiful day out there. I see it. I see other people enjoying it. I simply can’t muster up those feelings … what few I ever had for as long as I can remember. Suppression expert here … vaguely have memory of being really happy, but that was a long time ago. Want to talk to someone but can’t bring myself to even pick up the phone. Feel like a stagnant pool of water that nobody wants to come near. Can barely put on my acting mannequin for short social periods, then as suddenly and intensely as I transformed into it, back I go into these horrible depths of despair … shut the door and sit and gaze at nothing. Somehow there is no more humour, not even a little cynicism. But I won’t give up .. I can’t.
Wednesday, December 06, 2000
9:24 AM
Well today just may be a complete write-off. Sis phoned first thing. Couldn’t get the attachment open from email I sent. Virus warning. That’s weird. I encrypted it but that’s all. Then she’s on about the military and friends with DID (dissociative identity disorder) and some plot to keep him alive for what he was programmed for. This conspiracy theory was a little too bizarre for me to absorb, but now I’m starting to add a few things up in my own head, and I’m not feeling so sure anymore. Not going to the loony bin yet I hope.
Is this where it starts? Medication for depression? Paranoia? Then reality? Did somebody switch my meds? If conspiracy is the word, then how pervasive? If not, then why all these coincidental happenings? Some things actually add up ... almost. Sis insists on being the caregiver with added protective custody, living on ex-military base, me being born next to military base. The letters my mother wrote to her mother during the three years living there .. somehow appearing on the scene? Skylar and her paranoia over surveillance under WP (witness protection) program by CIA and CSIS ... all at the same time as Beth and her RCMP WP, and now my critical state of depression.
Did all this cause my depression? or is my depression somehow part of some sort of fantastic plan? Am I really that important? Nothing in my life indicates any such, except I seem to be living out some kind of satirical sequence, a melodramatic rendition of another life as I peer from behind these windows to my soul, these eyes that tell me that I live—I am a strange mixture of past, present and future wrapped into an entity fully conscious of its presence and yet unable to relate a reason for such consciousness.
I am not some reincarnate of the past. I am not a transplanted alien life form. I am not a lost soul inhabiting a new body. Where does this cognizant awareness originate. I can only attribute it to a higher power that engineered the whole process of wakeful consciousness genetically, inexplicably self generated and interlaced with layers of memory permanently inerasable yet cumulative ad infinitum. Laying this out and rereading it seems so esoteric, yet laughable ... more like a sick joke I think. But coincidence? If I suspect otherwise ... maybe only on paper.
Nobody would believe it I’m sure. Maybe another nut case, but then where do they all end up? In some nice quiet facility for them to get better? Or to be controlled and scrutinized in a covert, experimental military operation, borrowed from some twisted Nazi/German precedent, later perfected through biotechnological research somehow becoming the true thrust of the Genome project, true justification of genetic engineering .. etc. etc?
But where does it all end? Is this ultimately satanic, or is it just a guild of curious freaks of nature producing highly intelligent humans? Where does theory end and truth begin? Why am I even thinking all this? This is too bizarre, too phenomenally uncanny. Think I will log off my brain for a while, at least until some brighter lights turn on. Somehow I think its better not to know ... maybe? Better to remain a mushroom, just in case I AM dreaming this up.
Thursday, December 07, 2000
9:01 AM
Revised journal entry one billion and one. Last two days from hell! Never felt more misunderstood in my life. Started with call from Skylar just after last journal entry, back from Utah, having been declared incompetent for handling such a large inheritance has put her into a turmoil. Money in trust and she gets all expenses paid, yet still gets to make decisions while living here in Vancouver. Need to discuss with her lawyer and mother in Utah what parameters I have in dealing with her.
The very thought was almost too difficult for my brain to handle. Got into a battle with FIDO for the better part of an hour just getting her a cell phone. She had money to pay but needs credit rating which she doesn’t have. Finally got fed up and just put it on my card, to sort out with her lawyer and mother along with all the other stuff later. Had more profound effect than I thought.
Also forgot to take meds that day and then double dosed. Then Sis phoned first thing and ended up talking for the better part of an hour. When my wife came down, I could see it on her face—so easy for you to talk to your sister but not to me. Yet on this level how can I? If I even begin she becomes impatient and fearful ‘cause she can’t figure what my problem is. Can’t seem to say two words without scaring the hell out of her.
Then again, she really has legitimate concerns. How can I support this family ... this entire structure if I remain this basket case? Then got this wonderful email from my cyber psychic buddy, Beth. Made me feel like a million bucks ... finally had a genuine connection with someone today. Wanted to tell her how much I appreciated her but then made the mistake of trying to return the favour with what I thought might be encouraging. Bad idea … she took it entirely the opposite. Tried for hours to figure out why.
Finally at about 2:30 AM I said t’hell with it and threw in the towel. I’m blown away. Don’t think I could encourage a rat into the city dump today. Totally defeated in my inability to care for others. Finally dawns on me. I’m not dealing with normal people, most of all me! No wonder everyone’s reading me wrong. I am not one person, but a stage of actors all fighting to change the script. The main guy just wants to play this out as normal as possible (whatever normal has seemed up to now), while another is desperate to find emotional attachment, and another wants to ‘Don Juan’ some poor, unsuspecting into a steamy romance, while yet another wants to ‘Sir Galahad’ her back out, to save her from making such a terrible mistake, and yet another wants to solve everyone else’s problems, and still another, starved for applause, just wants to get up and entertain the masses ....
This is a quandary that has left me with great guilt because I am fully conscious of such intentions and yet helpless against acting them out... which is turning the play into a pointless, plotless, poorly acted, melodramatic exhibition, a horrible NIGHTMARE that would turn my whole life upside down if I let it.
Interesting .. ‘if I let it.’ I always wondered why I had such inner strength .. its this huge conflict I’ve unconsciously fought ever since I can remember. Some may see this weird switching of personalities as potential for greatness, and have said my religion has inhibited my advancement into some kind of fame or glory, but I say it has protected me from the same, and in the end from doing great harm to myself and others. Where would I be without what I know to be true and right? Maybe a dead man? ... I know how real that is. Even if I am wrong, that there is no such thing as knowing the whole truth, and there has been no other alternative that turns on a brighter light. Besides, it is MY ultimate success or demise that either wins or loses.
Need I remind myself constantly that I need to get better for me? ... then for everyone else? Sorry to all of you for not knowing what I was doing. One day, when I finally get my own act together, you might get to meet the real me. He’s obviously on sabbatical.
9:01 PM
Missed the book study. Couldn’t drag myself off the couch to save my life. Not tonight. I think it’s all just starting to hit me. This could take a long time. Starting to count the cost ... disability policy, how much the payout. Even starting to think of government benefits, but those you need to be near death ... besides, won’t kick in for four months. Residual commissions ... gotta work this out with Theo.
Had fairly lengthy talk with him today after Kate. Damn this is hard. I feel guilty hitting him like this, after what he’s going through with his kids, but he has to know, even if this turns out to be just temporary. But we can’t just go on as if nothing’s changed if this takes longer. Maybe in three or four weeks I’ll start to improve and I’ll get back in the race, this time at least I’ll know what my problem is and maybe have the tools I need to combat it.
Feeling waves of irresponsibile guilt overtaking me, but I’ll drown in it if I stay by and let it. Starting to worry for all those I’m leaving in the backwash, but I must not think of others right now. I must start to heal .... no, discover first, then heal. However long must I endure this journey? I must develop the emotional strength, must call upon all my spiritual resources, my cognition.
Keep telling self: “Don’t deny it’s real, don’t deflect, don’t care for others first. Try to find your feelings. Ask yourself if you are helping others out of genuine interest or out of trying to avoid contact with your inner self. Without self, how can I truly empathize or even sympathize with others. If I continue to avoid reconciling these deep proddings in my soul I will ultimately become totally numb … so numb that I will be unable to realistically identify with anyone, becoming so out of touch as to be no use to anyone except to warn them NOT to be like me!â€
Such a sad legacy! Part of me wants to go back, but I can’t, and it’s getting so hard to crawl ahead. What was Bill Murray’s famous line in All About Bob? “Baby steps, I’ve got to learn to take baby steps!†Going to take baby steps to 'beddy bye.'
Friday, December 08, 2000
10:22 AM
Wish I could say this is progress. First appt. today spent fifteen min. filling out forms, got cheque and he was gone. I slumped back and gazed for a good twenty minutes. Can’t believe how much that little task took out of me. As if I used all my resources just to put on a simple business front. Now slipping back to who knows who. Who am I? … really. What do I want to become? Is there a goal? Just to get better is not a goal. Something tells me I don’t even want a goal. In fact I dread even thinking of one.
Feel like this Rx is wreaking havoc again. Thought by now it would have normalized, but it seems to be starting all over again … this heavy, aching weight on my head. Feel like going somewhere all by myself, maybe to some lonely little place down by the sea and watch the waves break on the shore. Just go sit on a log and stare at the open horizon. Gotta start asking myself some serious questions here. Find out what it is that keeps driving the wedge deeper every time I start thinking this way. Have appt. with Grace on Tuesday, but now I’m in great confusion over why one part of me is desperate to see her but the other part wants to avoid it. Can’t believe I’m talking this way … feeling this way. Maybe I have the flu.
8:27 PM
Finally broke the news to my son. Wanting my help to buy a Porsche (sights are set a little high for a first car I think). Just too much for me to even think about right now. Time to level with him and bring him to reality. Left him in a state of shock. Immediately went off and canceled his plans for the night and stayed in his room.
Feeling very weak and vulnerable right now. Denying my usual recluse is foreign territory. I’m not used to feeling this helpless. So used to propping up the whole scene, making sure everyone reads their lines and learns their cue. I was the father at one time. Now I’m not so sure. Don’t know what I appear to be. Wish I had a friend. Need a friend. No such friend .. out of helplines ... my final answer? Cut your losses and keep what you got.
11:13 PM
Now it dawns on me. I know what I have done. The force within is strong, tightening my stomach into a knot. I’m doing it unconsciously without even thinking, protecting something inside. It is a deep pit and there’s crying like a child within me. How can I stop this painful thing? I feel helpless.
He’s been here since the beginning, for as long as I can remember ... afraid of the dark, afraid of the repercussions of discovery, his true weakness. I cannot bear crying of such a very small child ... echoes haunting me in this dark dungeon of a place. So lonely, so cold, starving for a mother that left him there, but why would a mother do such a thing? I stand in this damp place, dripping with sadness, paralyzed by the sounds of this terrible desperation. He’s used to another way, another process, wants me to act out the scene, but I can’t go there anymore.
Now it’s clear. He’s so afraid, so very afraid to hear those words of inadequacy again, he hid in here long ago to escape the torture, but now he is anguished by the reality of never being allowed to grow, to become adequate, never feeling nurtured, never feeling affection. I am frozen here. I cannot move. I cannot save him and his pitiful little heart. Each scream sends an electric shock through my entire body. He refuses to be comforted, refuses to be released, refuses to be embraced.
True loneliness is this place of the heart, and it yearns to find true love. Love was killed here. So was trust ... like this wounded child, vulnerable to its own hate and self-loathing.
Then I remembered her ... from long ago ... who rushed up to me and kissed me on the cheek. Her friends dared her to do it. She was the bravest of them all to kiss a guy in uniform, right out of the blue. Wow, was I surprised.
Bonnie, an intelligent girl, intimidatingly so. She was better read than most. And most were better read than me, but that wasn’t saying much back then. We had this connection ... something I could have learned from now that I think back.
Everything I thought, she spoke. Everything I spoke, she thought. I wonder why we never ended up together... She wanted to. She said that to me. She wanted to marry me but I somehow didn’t. I remember every time I told her about some insecurity of mine her single solution, “Marry me.†... I couldn’t. But why? One thing. I hated to lose an argument, and she was always just a little smarter than me. It was one thing to have a buddy that was smarter than me, but a girl? Well, that was unacceptable. Don’t ask.
Guys just don’t allow girls to be better. Anyway, guess I got tired of losing, ended up in a squall or lying my way out of arguments. I was too small next to her and just couldn’t tell her. Pride got in my way ... my stupid pride wouldn’t allow me to admit I could be the man she really wanted rather than the man I thought she wanted me to be. That’s why I hid the little guy and I played the tough guy that I thought all girls wanted guys to be. After all, that’s how you get the girl you want, right? Some guys never grow out of that. And I guess she never understood it. Or maybe she did but couldn’t get it through my thick head.
I remember to this day some of those long talks we had. She used to dig deep, and she would have been one of the few that found me if she tried a little longer maybe ... maybe not. Then maybe I buried him too deep.
Then it happened. Some wild coincidence ... or had she planned it. Too much of a coincidence. I was by myself, walking the street and this car pulls up out of nowhere. A guy and girl in the front ... she's alone in the back seat. Like I said ... out of nowhere. Even she was shocked. So I got in and we headed out on this weird double date with her girlfriend and a guy I'd never met. We parked out at Brockton Point to watch the submarine races (never saw one submarine ... ever)
She said to me, “All I want is just a little piece of you. Is that asking too much?†“You’ve got all of me now, what more do you want?†I laughed. “No I haven’t, and what I’ve got I can’t keep†was her reply. Her words still haunt me. I guess because it wasn’t the first time I was told something was missing.
Now there still is. Now I realize that she liked the little kid better, because he was the one that flowed with raw innocence that challenged her feelings and emotions long into the night. Too bad he was too vulnerable and too scared to stick around for commitment.