Here are a few Jokes for today.
One day a blonde was sitting on a bench crying. A man comes by and asks her what is wrong. The blonde tells the man that her mom just died. The man sits down next to her and says, “Nothing could be worse than that.â€
The blonde looks at the man and starts crying even harder. The man asks, “Are you gonna be ok?†The blonde says, “It does get worse. I just talked with my sister her mom had died too.â€
One night in Alabama two blondes were looking at the sky. The first blond asks, " Do you think it would be farther to travel to the moon or to Florida?"
The second blonde got all excited and says, ""DUHH! That's easy!!! Can you see Florida???"
One upon a time a funny blonde decided to try horse riding even though she had never tried it before. She got on the horse and began riding at a slow pace. Eventually the horse got faster and faster until the blonde wasn't able to hold on. All of a sudden she felt herself slipping from the saddle.
In desperation the blonde decided to jump and try to save herself. So she jumped, but her foot got caught in the saddle stirrup and she was helplessly pulled behind the horse with her head banging on the ground.
The blonde was near unconscious when she was rescued by Fred the Wal-Mart greeter, who unplugged the horse.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
HOW DO YOU DECIDE TO MARRY? (written by kids)
you have got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.'' Alan age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way
before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.'' Kristen--age 10.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE
ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they
seem to be yelling at the same kids.--derrick, age 8.... :D
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD
HAVE IN COMMON?
both don't want anymore kids....Lori age 8...
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette--age 8 :rofl:
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.''
Ricky, age 10 :D
Here are a few Jokes for today.
Bill Gates is hanging out with the CEO of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,†boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure,†says the General Motors CEO. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?!!"
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered.
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
"That one costs 2,000 dollars."
"And what does that one do?" the man asked.
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone else give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. .
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open... the Marines can blow him up!!"
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.
The Russians use a pencil.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
A firefighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with small ladders on the sides, a garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter takes a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire-truck," the fire fighter says with high regard.
Thanks," says girl says!
The firefighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's tail.
"Little lady," the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but...then I wouldn't have a siren!
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it.
“It’s great,†Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…â€
A substitute teacher was trying to make use of her psychology background. She began her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, please stand up."
Right away, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Why do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"I don’t, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
Little Johnny's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The new mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be in trouble if he needed glasses!"
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.â€
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of tripletsâ€! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.â€
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.
How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up in the dictionary!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. [color=red]Eats shoots and leaves."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.
The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.
One of the look-alikes asked,
"What's the bad news?"
The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills...
What’s the REAL reason the government jails people for theft?
They don't want any competition.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
A man came home from work and asked his wife "How was your Day"
She said " I 've got good and bad news"
"I'd like to hear the good" the husband replied
"You know the new car? The Air Bags Work" said the wife
A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting
one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see all the witnesses contradict each other!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
A city couple went for horse riding lessons while on holidays. The
cowboy preparing the horses asked the wife whether she wanted a Western
or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her
one had a horn and one didn't.
She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
run into too much traffic."
A college freshman called up his mother and asked her for some
money, because he was broke. His mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I
will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here
when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"
"Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the student.
So his mom wrapped up the book and mailed it. Dad asked, "Well how much
did you give him?"
"Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $500."
"That's $520!" said dad, "Are you crazy?"
"Don't worry honey," mom said. "I taped the $20 check to the cover of
his book, but I put the $500 one somewhere in chapter 19!"
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On
the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in
circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were
the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into
Canada."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
Faced with hard times, a company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a job.
The company boss asked various questions about his education and
experience, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his
calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and
realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a phone call was offered the job! He
accepted, and started work the next day.
He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very
curious. The next week he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said,
"Well, you were the closest."
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
Passing an office building one Sunday, a girl saw a sign that
said, "Press bell for security guard."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the guard
clomping down the stairs. She watched him shut down the alarm system,
put three different keys in three different locks, and finally open the
door.
"Well," the security guard said to the girl, "what do you want?"
She looked at him curiously. "I just wondered why you couldn't ring it
yourself."
The strong young man at the construction site boasted that he could
outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the oldest of
the workmen. "I bet you I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to
that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the big-mouth replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then he said to the young man, "All right. Get in."
A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a runway at night...
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said:
"Guess who?"
The controller switched the runway lights off and replied:
"Guess where!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
A man walked up to me on the street and said, "Do you see a cop around here?"
I looked around and said, "No, I don't."
He pulled out a gun and said, "Good, stick 'em up!"
A man was in no shape to drive home from the tavern, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.
After the two teenagers were arrested, the police sergeant told them they were entitled to a phone call. Some time later a man entered the station and asked for them by name.
The sergeant said, "I suppose you're their lawyer?"
"Nope," the chap replied. "I'm just here to deliver their pizza."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
When Mozart died, he was buried in a churchyard. A few days later, some strange noise was heard coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
The town magistrate was summoned to listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he listened for a moment, and said, "That's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "That's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too."
The magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth...."
Suddenly it dawned on the magistrate what was happening. He announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
The coach had put together a perfect football team for the Detroit Lions, with the exception of a good quarterback. His efforts at scouting the leagues were fruitless, but he desperately needed a good quarterback to win the Super Bowl.
One night while watching the news, he saw a war scene in Iraq. In the background he spotted a young Iraqi Muslin soldier with an incredible arm. The young man threw a grenade straight into a 6th story window 100-yards away. He then threw a grenade 75-yards and down a chimney. He then threw another at a passing car traveling at a high-rate of speed. Each throw was perfect.
The coach decided he had to have this young Muslim as his quarterback. He was able to locate the young man and get him to come to Detroit to pay football.
True to expectations, the young Iraqi propels the team into the Super Bowl. The man is hailed as a hero, a great football player. After the game, the coach asks him what he would like to do now. The young man replies that he'd like to telephone his mom.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman said. "You deserted us. You no longer are my son!"
"Mom, I don't think that you understand," the young man pleaded, "I've won the greatest sports event in the world! I'm here among thousands of adoring fans!"
"No!" shouted the mother, "Let me tell you! At this moment there are gunshots around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were badly beaten yesterday. I can't let your sister go outside because of fears that she might be raped!" The old lady pauses momentarily, and then says, "I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
A man finally got around to taking all of his broken umbrellas to the repair shop. The next morning on his way to work, when he got up to leave the subway car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him, since he was in the habit of carrying one.
The woman cried "Stop! Thief!" and grabbed her umbrella back. The man was very embarrassed.
That same day, the man stopped at the repair shop, and picked up all eight of his repaired umbrellas. As he entered the subway car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold, glaring at him, the lady of his morning's misadventure. Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn: "Had a good day, didn't you!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Here are a few Jokes for today.
A very worried woman went to her doctor. She said, "Doctor, look at me! My hair is frazzled, my skin is wrinkled and dry, my eyes are blood-shot, and I have this death-like look on my face! What's wrong with me?"
The doctor examined her briefly and then answered, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there's nothing wrong with your eyesight!"
A mother took her baby to see a local doctor because the baby had an earache. The doctor gave her a prescription for ear drops, in which he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours." He abbreviated "right" in the customary form as an R with a circle around it.
A few days later the mother took her baby back to the doctor complaining that the baby's ear still hurt, and that his posterior was getting really greasy with all of those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and noted that the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
Hospital Gown
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore