A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
When his auto mechanic came in for an operation, Dr. Grimley couldn't help but take the opportunity to turn the tables on
him.
"Well Frank," said the doctor, "It's going to take at least five days for the parts to get in. As for the cost, there's no way to tell until we get in there and see exactly what the problem is."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.
The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Too funny, Derek! :rofl: I didn't understand all the words but still split my sides.:D
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked.
"Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Too funny, Derek! :rofl: I didn't understand all the words but still split my sides.:D
Lyrics:
“Hey there internets, we don’t want you to fret, but we're not doing splendidly
It is very cold, out here in the snow, without our friend David Bellamy
Bill Oddie's doing stuff, but it's not enough, so can you do one thing for me?
- Horn Break -
We have had to fight, for every single bite, while you scoff your Christmas tea
That is why we say, oh yes yet again, can you do one thing for me?
Breathing places, space to roam, some where that I can call a home.
Wish I could be safe and sound, in a bucket underneath the ground…
Dub-i-dub-i-dum-dum…
Dub-i-dub-i-dum…
Dub-i-dum-dum-dub-i-dum…
Dub-i-dub-i-dum…
Dub-i-dub-i-dum-dum…
Dub-i-dub-i-dum…
Dub-i-dum-dum-dub-i-dum...
Dub-i-dub-i-dum…
Wish I had a home for Christmas…
It is a BBC project to help wildlife. It is based on a Jonah Lewie song which was a protest song about Christmas during wars.
The studio, Viral Factory, filmed all its staff singing and then put the most suitable mouth to each animal.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A little boy asked his grandmother what year she was born.
She told him she was born in 1935.
"Wow!" the boy exclaimed. "If you were a baseball card, you'd be worth lots of money.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
On the Listening Tour, Hillary Clinton was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Feminists are protesting the designation, "mad cow disease," arguing that if a cow becomes mad it is because of something the bull said or did.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"
"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope. Don't have that."
"Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"
The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
At a business conference in Montpelier, Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they found fairest. There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-ah," declared the man, "that's what I like about it."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore