A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person."
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won one million dollars on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
"I think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news," suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
"Now, you don't have to worry about anything," said the doctor. "I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me."
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million dollars?"
"Why," replied the old lady, "I'd give half of it to you, of course."
The doctor fell down dead with shock.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
When my daughter was about four years old, she still had a hard time grasping the concept of marriage. So, I got out our wedding album, thinking visual images would help, and explained the entire service to her.
Once finished, I asked if she had any questions, and she replied, "Oh. I see. Is that when Mommy came to work for us, daddy?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.
After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A guy goes into the confessional box. He finds on one wall a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a long time since I've been to confession, but I must first say that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."
The priest replies, "Get out! You're on my side!!!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees."
"What did she say?" asked the friend.
The husband replied, "She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A college student was in a Philsophy class, where a class discussion about whether or not God exists was in progress. The professor had the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the 3rd time, he simply stated, "Then there is no GOD."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates: "Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence. "Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence. "Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?" When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something "practical" for her birthday.
"Suppose we open a savings account for you?" Mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," Mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank." After a slight hesitation, she put down "Piggy."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."
"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this profound question.
Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Bill Clinton is visiting famous Washington landmarks to get some inspiration.
At the Washington monument, he asks, "What can I do to be a strong president?"
George's spirit says, "Maintain a strong army and rule it wisely."
At the Jefferson monument, he asks, "What can I do to be a strong ruler?"
Jefferson's spirit says, "Maintain the Constitution and listen to the people."
At the Lincoln monument, he asks, "How can I best listen to the people? What do they really want?"
Abe's spirit says, "Visit the theater."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
[quote=Bangalore]
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
Warm Christian Love
:giggle:
LOL...I LOVE that!