A Florida officer pulled over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing.
"First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer.
"I decided not to turn right," she explained.
"Then why the up and down?" asked the officer.
"Officer," she sniffed, "I was erasing!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.
Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a fastened seat belt.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Once my wife and I had to take a flight that had 4 other stops before arriving at the Dallas-Forth Worth Airport. At the first stop, a little white truck drove up to the plane and my wife watched it pull up to the wing. She asked, "What's that truck doing?"
I explained that some airlines don't completely fuel up a plane for various reasons & we were taking on more fuel. This process was repeated at the next three stops, and my wife watched the plane being fueled each time.
At the last stop, I said, "You know, in spite of all these delays, we're making pretty good time."
My wife pointed out the window and said, "I don't know. That little truck is keeping up with us."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other. All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt. Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again. The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million-dollar machine wasn't making him any money. He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible. The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a screw. The technician took a screwdriver and turned the screw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company. The technician answered, "$100,000.00." The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less then two minutes and just turned one screw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemized bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
Turning of one screw: $1.00.
Knowing which screw to turn: $99,999.00.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent Inside Passage. Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass. It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A pharmacist walked into his pharmacy and saw a man standing tightly against a wall making a funny face, so he asked the technician working that day, "What is going on?"
She said, "Well, he came in with a bad cough and asked for a cough suppressant, but we are out of it so I sold him a laxative."
The pharmacist said loudly, "Laxatives won't suppress a cough!"
She said, "I know that, but look at him -- he doesn't dare cough."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working. "Madam", said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"
She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said "Nelson". The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?" "Willie," she replies. Soon, she was speeding down the highway to the sounds of "On the road again." The lady was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At the traffic light, her light turned green and as she proceeded through the intersection, out of the corner of her eye she saw a small sports utility vehicle run the red light and head right towards her vehicle. She swerves out of his way, narrowly missing a head on collision. "JERK!" she screams! and from the Radio ..."LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES ..."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Two robins were sitting in a tree. I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch. They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate until they couldn't eat anymore.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the first one.
"Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up.
As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought ...
"I just love baskin' robins."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.
The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"My God!" screamed the woman. "Where's my tennis bracelet?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
The chief of staff of the U.S. Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand-new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked as if they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand, and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looked at him and said, "I'm a pilot!"
The general got all excited, turned to his aide, and said, "Get him in today, all the paperwork done, everything, do it!" The aide hustled the young man off.
The general looked at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man said, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replied, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force. What do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffed the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need wood choppers; this is the 21st century!"
"Well," the young man said, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," said the general. "He's a pilot!"
The young man rolled his eyes and said, "But I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I have bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."
Ooh! Sexist propaganda.