Paradise Cafe Discussions - A Place For Bible Research And Christian Encouragement

Dear Friends,

I shared a lot about the situation that I in. My husband is in jail. He's shared alcohol with minors. He's cowardly put me in a situations that would harm my children.

Would it be wrong to leave him? Do I have to "stay" with him or can I take another path that may be more beneficial for my children?

The new situation will be for the children but would have to deal with the other ex. It's an opportunity for income property for the children and I can operate it for the benefit of my family.

I asked for no romantic attachments, he hasn't demanded them.

I don't know whether to take a new path or be loyal to the one I am on. Neither are easy.

Can I please have some feedback? I NEED some spiritual feedback. Go ahead and don't be afraid to ask me questions. I need help and this is my "safest" contact group. At least here I feel like I'm being "judged" by holy spirit and heart, its okay-I'll rebut if I feel the need or defensive.

I need counsel, desperately! :pray:

With Sisterly Love, Debbie

I feel spirit in my life, I just want to be on the "right" path. I've asked for no "quick" rushing of changes. The kids are in school and I start FULL TIME classes THIS WEEK. I also work full time at home and was told I was going to be on a BIG ad this week! I did have the last two weeks to pray and meditate on everything.

Oh boy... the ex you spoke of - the father to all your kids? Sounds like he's putting you in a tight spot, Debbie - offering you the world I think you mentioned in a past post. S-L-O-W is my only advice for now, sis. Don't let anyone pressure you more - you're under enough pressure as it is!
Will write more tomorrow as I can - granddaughter coming tomorrow morning for a while.:cheekkiss:
Love u D - wish I was closer to help with real support and wish I had some real wisdom to spark your spirit towards what's right for you...
As it is, I will keep you in my prayers and send my love for now -:friends::cheekkiss::hug::love:
:pray:
:peace:

Thank you Sis, Willa:hug::cheekkiss:

No, he is not the father to all. Two for two. Unfortunately, the one offering the deal is the one who stopped paying support and I lost my mountain home. He made a economic comeback and is offering "some security" for the children. Could be good, could be bad. There's no real security anyways, in the world that isn't from God.

The other dad, is on family number four. He lost his income the last of June, the same time that his new woman partner did. AND my husband went to jail.

I am at God's mercy and this makes me susceptible to satan's pressure, I think.

God is good and Jesus is my King. The one who gained back his success did pay my rent after tears of desperation. I kind of think he wants me in the deal, but he's promised marriage , twice and dumped me. (He was also married and was left penniless, during attempt number 2. I was having a breakdown from a divorce and went a little promiscuous from the pain.) BOTH dads have made major errors, and I have handled things with both "highs" and "lows". The only real time I felt that I was OK was staying close to God.

I asked for legal documentation on the deal and he's not to expect me to be part of it. Actually, there is a lot of work to do. And it could be super fun!

On the other hand, I take vows seriously. My heart wants to honor my word. My head says my husband has not done his fair share in the deal, even to endangerment that is not normal.

My home is healthier alone. Thumbs up on being a better mom alone, this time.

This isn't an easy case. But, I do need counsel from 'spiritual' people.

The father with the offer is staying up north and I'm in the south. I made the semester's residency in Alabama as part of the consideration on the table. I have commitment's.

But, a divorce is part of the deal. 99% of everyone who knows me has been telling me to divorce him (even my doctor! But she's almost killed me and has me , now, effectively medicated. So her opinion is so-so). I've even had to watch him, so he stopped shoplifting in stores. Total threat! And I've worked and worked with God's help to set things right. My husband says I make him a better man. I do, I just have to watch him like another child. I enjoy the break with him in jail. I was so desperate to not be alone any longer!

Part of me feels that if I don't keep my husband then I'm like the man who was forgiven their debts and wasn't merciless to another debtor, kind of thing. So, maybe the better choice is to keep the vows intact, see if jail straightens him out (not his first stint), and try to be honorable at my children's misfortune? And, I'm not talking monetary. He just got madder and madder as the relationship progressed. My kids are used to having me, so total control fights, going every where!

On the other hand the dad with the offer will give an inheritance to these kids withthe deal, the other two have an inheritance from their Nana. Not that money really matters.



With Sis Love, Debbie

Hi Deb,

Knowing just a smidgen of your roller coaster life I wish I could suggest something but really can’t do anymore than Willa has done. Safe to say that if misery loves company, you’ve got lots. And it helps no one to know there’s three sides to every such story of the Venus-Mars syndrome—his, hers, and the truth which God only knows.

Men are not at all what you hope they will become. That’s the reality I know—since I am one. We promise so much but give so little because basically we’re little boys in big suits and we imagine when the ladies are attracted to us it’s because of our fancy car, good looks and phenomenal prowess in the business world. Unfortunately we are rarely as long on our promises as we are in enduring everything thrown our way.

So while your ex might be offering something tempting, I can’t underplay the safeguards you need before agreeing to anything. You almost need it in writing with first and last month salary up front so if he ever tells you to take a hike you’ve at least got severance. Also, the more dialogue you have before you sign the agreement, the less grief you’ll need to endure should everything go sour. That’s my ‘man’ answer. Hope it helps.

Love,

sw

I heavily edited the previous post if you read it right away.

:hibye:

Dear SW,

Your manly opinion counts extemely much!:giverose: Hearing input from a man's perspective is like gold to me. Women feel like we are beating it out of a man, half the time. LOL.

I already made a legal document with my terms as part of the 'tentative' agreement. I have a friend who's significant other is an attorney and they will offer legal guidance, too. I will also use the poor people's mans of legally "filing" everything in the state with the offer. I put pretty decent and respectful stipulations to be considered.

There's several things good and bad about the deal.

It's the ditching the husband that has me feeling the worst. I don't believe in "throwing away" people.

But, is it a test and one where "our word" is the answer or is it just the "best" choice. Out of the three left home, two would get their dad. They have only had him in their life about three years in reality. He wants to make it up and comes bearing offers to make it up.

I lived through this past week "numb".

Thank you, again, Smoldering Wick.

With Sis Love, Deb

Dear Debbie the above post by SW is the best advice I have ever read for a situation like yours.
Before settling for anything , hear him out ask questions, then get it all in writting. Dont forget time limits ,promises have to materialize with in such /such a date.

Then in your situation, you must come first for the sake of your kids.
They must have some one they can trust and lean on, something that you never had , so put yourself in their place. your at peace now finally, and I hate to see you lose all this.

Keep in mind Jehovah is a God of "peace" ,so you dont want to lose that. If you feel jail time will change him, then let him pay the penalty, other wise he will never learn. You dont need another child you need a responsible father for your children.
Last but not least how will being with or being with out him ,effect your spirituality ? There lays your answer.

What ever you decide , dont let emotions do the deciding , and whats the hurry ?
Let your yes mean yes and your no, no.

But I must go back to Sws post he is giving us a view from a males take on the situation, ,the female is the weaker vessell so lean toward a brothers opinion.

I might add I have never been in your situation , so what do I know.!!!
I guess I just wanted to let you know that I care.:hug:
love susanna :grouphug:

Hi Deb, I think the best thing I can say is that you are in my prayers daily and have been for a while now. I agree with Willa SLOWLy and prayerful is the best road ahead. Perhaps Gods words will be the Best Encouragement. Sometimes in those deep valleys of Life is where the sweet fruit grows as we draw nearer to Him.

Jer 29:11-13

11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMCR4p5mSjQ


Blessings

Wayne

Dear Debbie,
I will be praying for you. Satan is working hard to break up families. When the famliy falls, society falls with it. I have been there too, and it is a lonely place. If you ever need to talk, please PM me.

Your sis,
Kathryn



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-8SYA6rf...re=related

Hi Debbie :hug:

I have been thinking about your situation :thinking: and since you asked for opinions (always a dangerous thing to do deb :love: ) I was thinking this is a good time to simply focus on yourself and your children--make no big decisions at all--just relax into your new schedule and routine and let time heal a few things. I sure wouldn't jump into any new arrangements and especially with an ex who you describe as ''satan''. Time and distance from your husband may help you put thngs into perspective that is hard to manage when he is right there needing so much of you--in the meantime know you are loved and very precious to us here debbie--life is kind of hard--I know--be kind to yourself as much as you can :love: love you muchly debbie--wolfie :cheekkiss:

Dear Debbie,
You are in my prayers. :cry::hug::giverose::siskiss:
All I can share is to focus on yourself & children.
Treat your husband like a man & let him stand or fall on his own. You don't need another child.
You are strong enough to work through this without a man.
Jesus loves you.
Blithe

Thank you everyone:grouphug::love::love:

I've been thinking things over. I haven't had much time. I started my college classes, yesterday.

When I can think, I'll respond, more.

I'm grateful to have friends like you all.:giverose:

I know its not easy to give advice and opinions to others, we are afraid of saying something wrong.

In this case, I have faith that God will direct me to what is right.

Slow and steady, Debbie

Dear Sister -

I do not post very often here, but look daily. I felt compelled to post a little comment.

First and foremost, depend on Jehovah to help you through pray. Which, I can tell you do. As you can tell by my screen name, I had given up hope 2day all because of a man and his mistreatment. Your children need you. From what I can tell, he has not done right by you or your children. You should not have to watch a man who is supposed to be head of your household so he does not do wrong. You and your children deserve better than that. I would definetely be leary of your ex....have an attorney help you with that. I know I do not know you, but I will pray for you that all is well with you and your children.

Believe me, I know from experience. Be careful of the road you choose.

Dearest Debbie,

Marriage can throw some of the meanest boulders at us sometimes. Let me tell you of a horrible thing we went through (and this does get a bit personal -- so please bear with me)

Hubby and I had been married for ten years when we got into a nearly fatal car accident. Hubby sustained a serious head injury during this accident. Although he initially recovered, the underlying damage wasn't yet apparent.

Although his flesh healed, the inner workings of his brain chemistry had been altered -- something that slowly got worse over time. He slowly sank into the pit of deep depression and schizophrenia due to these chemical changes. I knew something was terribly wrong, so I scheduled appointments with a counselor (I figured he had Post Traumatic Stress or something). The counselor thought he was simply being difficult. So I tried another counselor, who insisted it wasn't PTS or depression. Meanwhile, he kept spiralling downwards, into fits of violent anger, deep delusions, unreal thinking.

I knew this wasn't a case of him simply being difficult, there was something terribly wrong. He had delusions of being a demon, fantasies of chains coming out of his body and ripping him apart, would tip into a violent rage over the littlest thing....His family didn't want to believe it, my family was shunning me for apostasy, so I had nobody to lean on but God. Our marriage was hanging by a thread at this time. The kids were becoming an emotional mess over this, I was becoming a basket case myself, and to top it all off, a male co-worker was making eyes at me (with his good looks, fun personality, stable job, and stable life....it was a tough bait to ignore!)

It would have been the easiest thing in the world to leave my husband and take up with the other guy. It was a serious struggle for me -- I actually ended up quitting my job just so I wouldn't cross that particular line!

I finally realized that his problem was much bigger than any counselor could handle, so I convinced him to seek a psychiatric evaluation. Finally, he was properly diagnosed -- Yay! -- and worked on his treatment. Even the treatment was a bumpy ride, because it takes several months to find the magic combination of medication for any individual. Some of the medications made him physically ill, others made his personality worse....in other words, the 6 months spent finding the correct combination was it's own nightmare to add to the situation.

In the meantime, I had to struggle with my own feelings about being married to a person with severe mental issues. Was I perverted for continuing to sleep with him? (I didn't want to make him feel worse by refusing). Was I perverted for staying married to a schizo? Should I just leave him and start all over again like everyone is advising me to do?

Yahweh was my only true rock during all this:
"Tami, just continue to love him. Stay on this path, I will lead you out of this dark forest. Hold tight to my hand....trust ME."
was what my Father was telling me.

Finally, the magic bullet turned out to be a combination of Abilify (an anti-psychotic) and Wellbutrin (an anti-depressant). Once they started kicking in, my sick hubby disappeared and my real hubby came back to us. Now it's three years later, and hubby no longer needs the Abilify (sometimes some of the brain chemicals can re-set themselves).

This whole process took about two years....two LONG years....with Satan throwing stumbling blocks at me the whole time. And my Father holding me up, preventing me from completely falling. It was the darkest, blackest time of our marriage. But through my complete faith in God, we got through it, and all is well again. I thank God that I didn't give up or give in to the pressure -- our marriage has been good since then, and to think that I almost abandoned it. Eeesh!

Debbie, you are in a very dark, black time right now. You see no way out, you are overwhelmed and emotionally drained. Satan has surrounded you in his blinding dark forest, but Yahweh will come with His strong hand and lead you out of it. Satan cannot triumph over God. Trust in Him, run from Satan's stumbling blocks -- be still and know that your Father is God. He won't let you or your children go without your daily needs so long as you hold onto HIS hand -- don't let Satan trick you into worry.

A God who can feed Elijah bread through the ravens will be sure to feed you. Jesus even told us that if God will clothe the flowers and feed the animals, surely He will take care of us too. Satan wants you to believe that God won't rescue you -- don't let him bait you. Although God may not be early, He is NEVER late. Trust HIM -- I know it's hard when you don't even know what His plan is, but if you actually trust HIM, you don't really need to know the plan -- He'll get you where you need to be.

We are praying for you. A lot. God Bless.

With all my love,
Tami

I am very touched because you replied. :hug::cheekkiss::hug::love:

Got letter from hubby. Not so great. He goes to court Sept. 30th. So, I have plenty of time to think. I want this whole school semester to my kids and myself.

I worry that a restraining order will incite a problem. I want him to go to a half way house. My ex sister in law, my friend says the judge can do whatever he wants.

So, I think I need to call the police station. I just don't know which direction to turn, starting with the police can take a scary loop, too. Some police are nice but some play "tricky, ricky" with words and then I have a bigger problem. I could write the judge and tell him what I think and feel. OR even do both.:dontknow:

His letter states that I should do the wifely thing and help him to not drink. That's the problem! And he lectures me, about alcohol, too. Then he's concerned about the battery to the laptop and his rust bucket. He does act a little needy to call. I won't accept the phone fees. No way. He made it to "trustee" and gets four free calls a month, so he wants our home # and to connect the magic jack back.

If I talk to him, I'll crack. I'm a sucker for the underdog. I will wonder if I am supposed to "conquer" life together with him and give him the opportunity. :crybaby: Then I will feel being destitute to plundering blights of alcoholic problems. Yet, that may not be reality.

If he went someplace else and did right, maybe. But the guy can't even drive. He might have a friend here that will take him in. :dontknow: I don't know how much interaction is appropriate right now. None?

On the other hand, I'm talking to my ex and that's not appropriate, either.

The good news is: I'm online hopping along on my college courses, kids are active. Two going to two different churches tonight. Dinner of different Christian salad will be a family conversation. I like that they are seeking.:heartbeat::love: Greatest blessing of all! My son in GA made friend and is communicating with his JW pal that he stopped talking to about 2 years ago and his father is talking to him about spiritual things (Christian, yeah!:cheer:).

Well, I'm going to hit the books.:)

With Sisterly Love, Debbie