The Top 12 Proposed New Commandments
12. Thou Shalt Exit The Elevator Before Passing Gas.
11. Thou Shalt Get Jiggy Wid' It.
10. Thou Shalt Not Corvette Thy Neighbor's Wife.
9. Thou Shalt Not Play "the Electric Slide" Or "the Chicken Song" At Wedding Receptions.
8. Honor Thy Foster Parents, Egg Donor, Adoptive Father, Daycare Provider, Big Brother/Sister, Probation Officer...
7. Thou Shalt Not Make Little Quotation Marks With Your Fingers While Speaking.
6. Thou Shalt not Denote Church Rank With A Series Of Sillier And Sillier Hats.
5. Thou Shalt Not Encourage Prop Comedians.
4. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife, Unless She Weareth A Skimpy Little Skirt Like Ally Mcbeal.
3. Honor Thy Stepfather, Though He Be A Jerk.
2. Thou Shalt Not Wrap Thy Lumpy Butt In Spandex.
and the Number 1 Proposed New Commandment...
1. Thou Shalt Love The Notorious G.o.d. With All Thy Heart, With All Thy Soul, With All Thy Might. That's What I Am Talking About.
The Top 11 Signs Your Roommate is Stuck in the '80s
11. She's still dressing up like Cyndi Lauper, only now people think she's Mimi from the Drew Carey show.
10. He's more self absorbed than the entire cast of Seinfeld.
9. Every time they borrow a sweatshirt from your closet, they return it with the neckline all ripped out.
8. His part-time job? Teaching the "Uptown Girl" dance class at Arthur Murray.
7. Still spends Friday nights dialing 867-5309 and asking for Jenny.
6. Your explanation to the police: After 1000 times, "Gag me with a spoon" sounded like a request.
5. He's wondering why there's no Apple IIe version of Microsoft Word.
4. Defensively says "They're not oldies; it's called classic rock!"
3. Can't understand why Blondie wasn't at the Lilith Fair
2. Your name happens to be "Mickey," and HE WON'T QUIT SINGING THE D*MN SONG.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Roommate is Stuck in the '80s...
1. Upon hearing the name "Lewinsky," declares, "I don't care what those d*** reporters say. Huey Lewinsky and the News do *not* blow."
The Top 13 Signs That Evil Forces are Out to Get You
13. Only job you can get: Post Office Employee Grievance Counselor.
12. All the videotapes in your house have been recorded over with "Desperate Housewives" and "One Tree Hill" re-runs.
11. Whenever you get to the punchline, all you can think of are funny hurricane names.
10. Every morning, a huge black raven lands on your window sill, and then tries to sign you up to a record club.
9. AT&T, Sprint and MCI all STOP calling for fear of association with you.
8. 36D, blonde, and you've decided the best way to cope with the gruesome murders of your sorority sisters is with a hot, relaxing shower.
7. Channel 1 -- The WB, Channel 2 -- The WB, Channel 3 - The WB. AAAAAAAAAH!!!
6. Every day another email mocking you and calling you Chester.
5. Another night, another bat symbol in the sky... I NEED SATURDAY NIGHT OFF EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!!!
4. At the DUI checkpoint, you hear one officer say to another, "These are not the 'droids we're looking for."
3. Three words: Tang price fixing!!
2. Roommate's note on fridge: "Evil Forces called. Will try back later."
and the Number 1 Sign That Evil Forces are Out to Get You...
1. Mimes... everywhere you look: MIMES!!!
The Top 15 Rejected Children's Books
15. Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
14. The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
13. Alice in WonderBraLand
12. The Legend of Three-Card Monte
11. 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
10. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
9. The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
8. Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
7. The Crack House at Pooh Corner
6. The Dummy's Guide to Crying
5. When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
4. The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
3. Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
and the Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
1. Furious George Delivers the Mail
Those childrens book titles were so funny Cali..Thanks for posting them! My favorite:
10. Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
Lynn
The Top 11 Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
11. Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
10. Social status one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
9. People always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
8. Wizenheimer's Syndrome
7. You laugh on the outside, but inside harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
6. Instead of crow's-feet, you get punchlines.
5. Have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
4. The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
3. Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
2. You live in constant fear of you're friends discovering your inflatable Ernie Kovacs doll.
and the Number 1 Side Effect of a Life in Comedy...
1. Everything tastes funny.
No.s 3 & 5 are my favorite!
The Top 13 Items at the Vatican Garage Sale 
13. Commemorative rack of crushed skulls from the Spanish Inquisition
12. Jesus's senior-year woodshop project
11. "Papal World Tour '97" satin roadie jacket
10. The Pope's M*A*S*H Father Mulcahey lunch box
9. Inflatable altar boy 
8. "World's Funniest Confessions" audio tapes
7. John Paul's Vatican League bowling shirt
6. Complete set of Michelangelo's black velvet period
5. "Fires of Hell" Fondue set
4. Sinead O'Connor dart board, very used
3. Popemobile prototype based on a '72 El Camino with sacred astroturf, fully stocked wetbar, hot tub and "Miracle Bass™" sound system
2. Dog-eared copy of "Latin for Dummies."
and the Number 1 Item at the Vatican Garage Sale...
1. Unused New Testament book: The Gospel According to Rhonda
I am surprised that the Church has not posted them on E-bay!
13. Commemorative rack of crushed skulls from the Spanish Inquisition
12. Jesus's senior-year woodshop project
11. "Papal World Tour '97" satin roadie jacket
10. The Pope's M*A*S*H Father Mulcahey lunch box
Lynn
The Top 15 Signs Your Realtor is Crazy
15. Instead of a pen, gives you a complimentary severed finger with his name and work number on it.
14. Lists "protection money" as a closing cost.
13. Insists on carrying you over the threshold of every home.
12. Works for the realty company of Hussein, Khomeini and Qaddafi.
11. Thinks a duplex is Hulk Hogan's signature move.
10. "House!" apparently designed by little-known brother Andrew Lloyd Wright.
9. Takes you to every McDonald's and exclaims, "Would you look at the size of that kitchen! And check out that dining room!"
8. Says chalk body outlines on the floor are growth records of past owner's children.
7. Replaces all the pictures of your family with those of supermodels-then tells potential buyers that "it's the water."
6. Shows you 3 bdr; 2 bth; 9 circls; lk of fr; wpng, wlng, gnshng/tth; prgtry adjcnt
5. Wants to augment the listing of your mobile home to include "top speed" and "miles per gallon".
4. She asks if you have any "hang-ups" about squatting.
3. "Fixer upper" advertised in paper turns out to be 78,561,230 Popsicle sticks and 10 gallons of white glue.
2. His sales pitch normally ends with, "....and from *this* window, I bet you could pick off ten, fifteen people before anyone gets suspicious!"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Realtor is Crazy...
1. Screams, "Feel how plush this carpet is!", then takes off shoes, moon walks and shocks your earlobe.
and the Number 1 Miracle Not Mentioned in the Bible...
1. Jesus becoming a brown-haired, blue-eyed Caucasian, despite having been born a Middle Eastern Jew.
and....looks American, has a hair stylist who carefully blowdries his hair, trims his beard...oh and gives a manicure too.
Well I saw it in a WT so it must be true (apart from the time he was clean shaven and had his obviously permed hair coiffed straight back).
The Top 10 Least Popular Gifts in the Animal Kingdom
10. Rabbit: "Fatal Attraction" video
9. Opossum or armadillo: "Roadkill Cafe" T-shirt and baseball cap set
8. Porcupine: full-body massage
7. Sparrow: "Hitting Windows for Dummies"
6. Mole: cosmetics from the Cindy Crawford Collection
5. Centipede: 50 pairs of 5-inch heel open toe pumps
4. Baboon: a thong bikini
3. Hyena: any Steve Gutenberg movie
2. Rabbit: Raisinets
and the Number 1 Least Popular Gift in the Animal Kingdom...
1. Snail: Any Dance CD! 
This one's for Malkah!!!
The Top 10 Jewish Country & Western Songs
10. Achy Breaky Hip
9. Take This, "Job," and Shove It
8. I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
7. Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
6. All My Exes Made an Exodus
5. The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
4. This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!
3. Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
2. Homeland on the Range
and the Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...
1. Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
Sorry everybody! My computer's modem was down all day yesterday. This is the first time I've been on line in almost 48 hours!!! Talk about deprivation/withdrawal!
The Top 10 Things That WON'T Be
Overheard At The Daytona 500
10. "None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
9. "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."
8. "My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"
7. "Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!"
6. "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attaché case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."
5. "What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
4. "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
3. "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."
2. "Filling in for Jeff 'Wonder Boy' Gordon today is substitute driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."
and the Number 1 Thing That WON'T Be Overheard At The Daytona 500...
1. "...and now, for the singing of our national anthem, please welcome international recording artist Boy George!"
Top 12 Pet Peeves Of Morticians 
12. Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
11. No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
10. Only three hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
9. Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
8. Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
7. Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
6. Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.
5. Toe tag paper cuts.
4. Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
3. Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.
2. Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...
1. Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.