Paradise Cafe Discussions - A Place For Bible Research And Christian Encouragement

The Top Ten Marriage Quips.

Quip 1: Marriages are made in heaven, but so again are thunder and lightning.

Quip 2: If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Quip 3: Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Quip 4: Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Quip 5: When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Quip 6: Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Quip 7: Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Quip 8: Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and is a good cook, but the law allows only one wife.

Quip 9: Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.

Quip 10: Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

Thanks to Bangalore for some truly great top lists!!!!!! I laughed so hard.....:D:thumbsup::cheer:

The Top 15 Automatic e-mail reply messages

15. The email you have sent was undeliverable- really, it was just awful!

14. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.


13. I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.


12. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


11. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.


10. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


9. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


8. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.


7. I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.


6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


5. Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.


4. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


3. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.


2. I've run away to join a different circus.

And the number one "automatic" email reply is....

1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve."

The Top 28 Signs You Might Be Alaskan.

1. You only know four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.

4. You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

6. You thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary.

7. The local hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy store at Christmas.

8. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

9. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

11. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons.

12. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat-processing plant.

14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

15. Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.

16. You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.

17. You head south to go to your cottage.

18. You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

19. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo -- it's sausage making.

20. The mayor greets you on the street by your first name.

21. You find -60 F a little chilly.

22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.

24. You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

25. You can tell the difference between a chipmunk and a squirrel from 300 yards away.

26. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

27. The town buys a Zamboni before they buy a bus.

28. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Alaskan friends.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top 9 Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified.

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."

7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."

6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top Things You Never Hear In Church.

1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top Sixteen Police Comments.

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief [of Police] Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

:shocked::D:thumbsup::funnyface::drinking:FANTASTIC!!!!!

The Top Nine Cartoon Laws of Physics.....


1. Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
takes over.


2. Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.


3. Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming exactly to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.


4. Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.


5. Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.


6. Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


7. Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


8. Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they re inflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.


9. Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

The Top 16 Instructions On Products.

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:

ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.

ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear One Woman Say To Another Woman.

10. I wish he wouldn't waste all that money on chocolate and flowers and buy something practical, like an iron.

9. I can't wait for the play-offs!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

5. He earned more than I do, so I broke up with him.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

2. Oh, look, that woman and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top 16 Reasons that "Damn, it's good to be a man"...:rolleyes:
Part I of II

16. Your last name stays put.


15. The garage is all yours.


14. Wedding plans take care of themselves.


13. Chocolate is just another snack.


12. You can be president.


11. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.


10. Car mechanics tell you the truth.


9. The world is your urinal.


8. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.


7. Same work, more pay.


6. Wrinkles add character.


5. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.


4. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.


3. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.


2. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

And the number one reason its good to be a man is......

1. One mood, ALL the damn time.:D

The Top Five Camping Tips.

When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is OK to go into the woods alone.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

The Top 20 Reasons it is Damn Good to be a MAN....
Part II of II :strong::yeahright:


20. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.:phone:


19. You know stuff about tanks.:shoot:


18. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.:paperbag:


17. You can open all your own jars.:weightlift:


16. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. :giverose:


15. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.:friends:


14. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.:rant:


13. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.:sadwalk:


12. Everything on your face stays its original color.:P


11. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.:D


10. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.:confused:


9. You almost never have strap problems in public.:funnyface:


8. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.:whine:


7. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.:tophat:


6. You don't have to shave below your neck.:shocked:


5. Your belly usually hides your big hips.:drinking:


4. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color all seasons.:borg:


3. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.:whistle:


2. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.:yahoo:


And the number one reason why it is so darn good to be a man is....


1. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.:angelnot:

The Top Nine Signs That You've Chosen A "No Frills" Airline.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Warm Christian Love
Bangalore

And now, in honor of my trying to go back to school......

The Top 25 Differences Between High School and College.....


1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.


2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.


3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.


4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.


5. In college, there are no tardy slips.


6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
get to live with your friends.


7. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.


8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)


9. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition.


10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way
out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.


11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in
college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.


12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade
than your high school final exams ever did.


13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down.


14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.


15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.


16. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them there.


17. Once you've obtained the information described in #16, it's much more time -consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."


18. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.


19. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.


20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.


21. College guys are cuter than high school boys.


22. College women are legal.


23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need
a note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.


24. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed.
In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.


25. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.:D