The Top 22 Signs You Might be a Computer Nerd.....
Part III of III
22. If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers:whistle:;)
21. If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they
didn't get enough sleep:whistle:
20. If you spend more on your home computer than your car
19. If you know what http:/ stands for
18. If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
17. If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
16. If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
explain atmospheric absorption theory.
15. When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
14. When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
13. When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
12. When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
11. When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her,
"You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
10. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.:huh:
9. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
8. When you have to go to the bathroom, but you wait until bladder
meltdown, since "goto" is bad programming style.:D
7. When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve
eye-hand coordination.(It doesn't?????!!!!!:shocked:)
6. When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a
crash, and you correct him that a backup is good protection in
case of a crash.
5. If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life:blush::grouphug:
4. When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
3. When you can do hexadecimal arithmetic in your head.
2. When your wife goes to the market for some Macintosh apples, and
you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintoshes'."
And the number one sign you may be a computer nerd is......
1. When your wife says "IF you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, THEN I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for omitting the ELSE clause.:readthis::redface:
The Top Ten Little Known Illnesses
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Little Known Illnesses
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Roswell-Oreo Syndrome: Irrational fear that you have turned your child into an alien by feeding him or her too many cookies!:D
The Top 20 Signs You know you're no longer a kid when...
20. Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
19. The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
18. Being bad is no longer cool.
17. You have friends who have kids.
16. Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
15. You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
14. Your parents' jokes are now funny.
13. You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
12. You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's Thriller.
11. Two words: parachute pants
10. Naps are good.
9. Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
8. You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
7. When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
6. You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
5. You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
4. You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.
3. You've bought an album on vinyl.
2. You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
And the number one sign you're not a kid anymore is.....
1. You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience
store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the
bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
The Top 20 Amusing Irrelevant Facts
Part I of III
20. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed in Ireland.
19. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.
18. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.
17. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
16. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
15. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting
on it.
14. In 1984, a New Jersey man opened a summer camp for Cabbage Patch dolls.
13. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
12. How can you tell when a gorilla is angry? It sticks its tongue out.
11. According to one poll, nearly 3/4 of all American women wear a bra that is the wrong size.
10. In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary formally married her 50-pound pet rock.
9. The first sperm banks opened in 1964; they were located in Tokyo and Iowa City.
8. In 1980, the Yellow Pages accidentally listed a Texas funeral home under frozen foods.
7. 200 college students streaked at the same time in Boulder, CO in 1974.
6. In 1977, a 13-year-old boy discovered a tooth growing on his left foot.
5. In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.
4. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.
3. In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.
2. About 96% of all American children can recognize Ronald McDonald.
And the number one amusing irrelevant fact of the day is....
1. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
The Top 10 Signs the Car You Just Bought Is A Lemon.
1. As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.
2. You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moe's Towing Company.
3. The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.
4. The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.
5. The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.
6. You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.
7. As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door to the service bay and waves you in.
8. When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway. As you drive by, it silently falls in behind you.
9. The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "It's Me Again."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Ten Silliest Questions Asked On A Cruise Ship.
10. Do these steps go up or down?
9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?
6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?
5. Does the ship make its own electricity?
4. Is it salt water in the toilets?
3. What elevation are we at?
2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day, this question is asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Eight Short & Funny.
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps getting harder to find one.
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" - Jay Leno
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Signs
"A pedestrian is a person who should be seen and not hurt."
"Customers who think the waiter is rude should see the manager."
"Sorry to needle you. We need your blood."
On a college president's door: "Closed. If it's something important, see the custodian."
Municipal golf course sign: "Please don't find lost balls until they stop rolling."
New Jersey tourist sign: "Come to beautiful Atlantic City and see the bored walk."
Sign in a nut shop: "No credit cards here. Strictly cashew and carry."
By some bananas in a fruit store: "Please don't tear us apart. We grew up together."
In a barbershop window: "Cutting out for lunch."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top George Carlinisms.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo. Washington's picture is on a quarter]
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created.
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 27 Signs.
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
At a car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 15 Hilarious Signs From England.
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs.
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner.
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twenty Lexiograms.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
9. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
10. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
11. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
12. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
13. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
14. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
15. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
16. When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
17. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
18. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
19. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
20. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore