The Top Five Oxymorons.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Oxymorons.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Oxymorons.
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five T-Shirt Slogans.
At my age, "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
Life is short, make fun of it.
I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Oxymorons.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Reasons Why It's Great To Be Canadian.
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Marriage Quotes.
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Things You'll Never Hear A Woman Say.
1. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
4. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
5. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
6. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
7. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs You're Really Broke.
# American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
# Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
# You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
# Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
# Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Bob Hope's Best One-Liners.
"You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
"I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
"If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
"I always like to go to Washington DC. It gives me a chance to visit my money." (On touring the US treasury)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Bob Hope's Best One-Liners.
"If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble."
"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty."
"There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood."
"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom."
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Bob Hope's Best One-Liners.
"I thought Deep Throat was a movie about a giraffe."
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."
"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."
"She said she was approaching 40 and I couldn't help wondering from what direction."
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. That's when it's time
for my nap."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle.
Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the darn box all day!
Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
23 power cords, 1 outlet.
Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
If you talk to yourself it causes all the surrounding cubicle inhabitants to pop their heads over the wall and say "What? I didn't hear you."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Most Frivolous Cases Filed By New York Prisoners.
* Francis Hugh Smith claimed New York owed him US$10 million because faulty medical care caused amnesia that made him leave his work-release job and forget to return to prison.
* Anthony Malloy sough "US$989 billion trillion" because he said prison guards beat up his jacket, which he was not wearing at the time. His case was dismissed.
* Anthony Gill claimed secondhand cigarette smoke from other inmates caused him medical problems -- altho' he buys cigarettes from the prison commissary.
* Jose Reyes wants US$1000 because the state made him eat vegetable diet loaf after he violated prison rules. He said he lost 450g.
* Thomas Higgins sued the state for US$10,000 because a prison laundry machine broke and he claims a constitutional right to clean clothes and blankets.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Henny Youngman One-Liners.
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore