The Top Five Carlinisms.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a nonstop flight?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Daylight savings time -- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?
Is there another word for synonym?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore [/align]
The Top Five Carlinisms.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Carlinisms.
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One-Liners.
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
What did the limestone say to the geologist?
Stop taking me for granite.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
When is the moon the heaviest?
When it is full.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One-Liners.
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What's the difference between a nickel and a dime?
Five cents.
What looks like a horse and flies?
A flying horse.
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One-Liners.
Why do tigers live in the jungle?
They hate city traffic.
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold his nose.
What should you do every morning?
Wake up.
Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they can't knit.
What would you do if you smashed your toe?
Call a toe truck.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Funny Business Names.
Restaurant: Hard Wok Cafe
Tanning Salon: Beauty & the Beach
Plumber: Drain Surgeons
Restaurant: Quiche and Tell
Discount Airline: Fly By Night
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Professions.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Things That Would Occur If Men Got Pregnant.
Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore