The Top Four Signs That You Work For The Government.
You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
You understand the rationalization of an acronym composed of acronyms.
You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance. (A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor, but the same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.)
You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Doctor Jokes.
A man tells his doctor his wife has laryngitis. The doctor said there was nothing he could do to cure it. The man said, "Cure it? I want to prolong it."
A young medical student was called to the dean's office. "Son," he advised, "You're doing pretty well here at school, but you must learn to write less clearly."
Patient: Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise. You said I'd be walking in a month and you were right. I had to sell my car to pay your bill."
Two boys were trying to outdo each other. The first said, "My uncle is a doctor. I can be sick for nothing." The second youngster said, "Big deal! My uncle is a preacher. I can be good for nothing."
A doctor had been attending a rich old man, but it became apparent the old guy had not long to live. So he asked if his affairs were in order. The old gentleman replies,"Oh, yes. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Instructions For Yankees Moving To The South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Instructions For Yankees Moving To The South.
You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern licence plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Instructions For Yankees Moving To The South.
Do not buy food at the movie store.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
People walk slower here.
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Instructions For Yankees Moving To The South.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern-influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do. While at the grocery store, you are required to buy toilet paper, milk and bread. And you have to walk to get there. At the first indication of snow, you are required to abandon your car.
Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
As you are fussing at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kids Proverbs.
The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
A rolling stone plays the guitar.
The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
We have nothing to fear but our principal.
To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kids Proverbs.
It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kids Proverbs.
A bird in the hand is a real mess.
No news is no newspaper.
It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kids Proverbs.
Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.
I think, therefore I get a headache.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Six Signs That You're In A Small Town.
The city limits sign is printed on both sides of the same
post.
You plug in your electric razor in a motel and the street lights dim.
The town square is actually a phone booth.
The sheriff, the deputy, and the street cop are all the same person and can be seen on Wednesdays only.
The Walmart, the local grocery, and UPS all have the same telephone number.
The local doctor, the veterinarian (same person) still makes house calls.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Sports Quotes.
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Natural Laws.
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Barnes' Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Natural Laws.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Three Natural Laws.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Berg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore