The Top 13 Signs Your Significant
Other is an Agent Of Satan:devil:
13. Constantly doing aerobics to "Sweatin' To The Eternal Fires of Damnation" video. :hyper:
12. C'mon -- do you really think God would find a partner for a loser like you? :evil:
11. Brimstone and fire and the smell of sulfur every night, even when he hasn't had Taco Bell. :barf:
10. You: Gorgeous Blond Supermodel Him: Geeky Dark-Haired Purveyor of Card Tricks :nerdy:
9. Claims she got that "Roast Suckling Child" recipe by watching Martha Stewart. :tanning:
8. Lovemaking always results in charred genitalia. :jawdrop:
7. You say, "I'd sell my soul for a good bagel in this town"; she pulls out a receipt pad. :bangin: :shoot:
6. Within months of your ski "accident" she takes your congressional seat, impeaches the president and starts dating a country western drummer. :crutch:
5. Her nickname for you? Beelzebuns. :slap:
4. Despite his 5 pack a day habit, he's been using the same Bic lighter for 22 years. :smoker:
3. The head rotating, the screaming and cursing, the pea soup vomit... and it's not even PMS time. :funnyface:
2. While playing Go Fish, she asks, "Got any souls?" :assimilation:
and the Number 1 Sign Your Significant Other is an Agent Of Satan...
1. Uses a toaster to keep the bathwater hot. :scared::seehearspeak::scared:
The Top 12 Rejected Plot Lines on Grey's Anatomy
12.  Dr. Sheppard and Dr. Montgomery "comfort" each other when a freak meteor strike kills Dr. Grey and Dr. Sloane.
11.  The SPCA steps in after a little girl brings in her pet bunny "Lucky" with a torn ear and it leaves a quadruple amputee.
10.  Dr. O'Malley stumbles upon a mysterious ring of kidney thieves.
9.  Dr. Bailey gets a tryout with this year's Bulls team -- and becomes a starter!
8.  While retrieving something from the supply room, a tank of oxygen falls on Dr. Grey's head causing amnesia - causing him to forget to feed the vacationing Dr. Steven's pet fish, until a fight with her evil twin results in yet another failed attempt to reconcile with her estranged father, while....:rolleyes:
7.  Sheppard, Burke, and Sloane stumble all over themselves when guest star Pamela Anderson springs a silicone leak.
6.  Christina enjoys a particularly tasty ham sandwich.
5.  Drs. Sheppard and Burke are paralyzed when they are pinned beneath their wallets.
4.  Dr. Yang goes postal after yet another botched attempt at hair-straightening.
3.  Robin Williams guests as Snatch Adams, a comedian/gynecologist with a heart of gold.
2.  Charo and Jerry Van Dyke meet, fall in love, break up, then get back together -- thanks to some timely advice from Isaac, the new X-ray technician.
and the Number 1 Rejected Plot Line on Grey's Anatomy
1.  Dr. Montgomery explains the miracle of birth to Dr. Quayle.
The Top 12 Slogans That Never Quite Caught On
12. Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
11. Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
10. Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
9. MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
8. Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
7. Iguana: "The other green meat."
6. Nike: "Just buy the stupid shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
5. Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
4. Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, gol' darnit!"
3. Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
2. Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
and the Number 1 Slogan That Never Quite Caught On...
1. Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"
The Top 12 Signs You weren't Cut Out
to be a Hollywood Stunt Person
12. Healthy dose of common sense, combined with a strong instinct for self-preservation.
11. Sure, you're a hunchback, but you hate the sound of bells.
10. Your specialties: shouting "missed me!" after being shot with a blank and pausing mid-stunt to wave at the camera.
9. Your faked punches are so bad even the WWF wouldn't hire you.
8. Every stunt requires multiple takes because your catheter line keeps getting tangled up in your crutches.
7. Your plan for high altitude jumps is to keep moving your legs and not make the fatal mistake of looking down and triggering gravity.
6. The only stunt-double work you've actually done was drinking some post-expiration date milk for the Olsen twins.
5. "Squibs? I misunderstood. I got a pocketful of squids here!"
4. Still can't shake childhood nickname of "Splat."
3. Director not impressed by Mommy's note pinned to your shirt outlining your food allergies.
2. A disgusted Claire Danes shoves you aside and says, "Never mind. I'll do it myself."
and the Number 1 Sign You weren't Cut Out to be a Hollywood Stunt Person...
1. Your wife, Soon Yi, doesn't like action flicks.
The Top 12 Signs China Has Stolen US Technology :chinese:
12. Mao pajama suits now much baggier and more "ill"-fitting. :cool:
11.  Think they came up with that "Tickle Me Mao" on their own? :greedy:
10.  Kung fu movie dialog suddenly in synch with the images.:defensive::numchucks:
9.  Most popular fast food dish at McFong's: McBeef with Snow Peas and McWontons. :burger:
8.  "Secret" Kung Pao sauce bears striking resemblance to thousand island dressing. :shhh:
7.  President Jiang Zemin seen wearing one of those baseball caps that holds two beer cans. :party:
6.  Rice now flavored with Chairman Mao's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices. :chef:
5.  Traffic accidents increase dramatically with availability of new "bike phones." :phone:
4.  New missiles are now armed with clapper-activated Chia warheads. :albert::insane:
3.  New "Jerry Springroll" TV show features embarrassingly ignorant peasants beating each other silly over infidelities. :secret::slap::argue::beatoverhead:
2.  Meals are now eaten in half the time, thanks to the wondrous new invention, the "fork." :eat:
and the Number 1 Sign China Has Stolen US Technology...
1.  Surprisingly sophisticated special effects in the new movie "Episode 1: Jackie Chan and the Phantom Menace." :lightsaber:
The Top 12 Differences in the Middle Ages
if Microsoft Had Existed Then
12. You can order your groceries thru the local market "E-Bay", but you have to wait two weeks for them to be delivered.
11. Chastity belts require a password rather than a key.
10. Last year's pitchfork not compatible with this year's hay.
9. Lord Gates claims he has no memory of any memo describing his intention to "wipeth my arse with the Magna Carta."
8. The "Good Plague" hoax.
7. Horses routinely stop in mid-stride, and require a boot to the rear to start again.
6. The Microsoft Rack would work, but it would be 3 times larger than it should be and never completely kill anyone.
5. Forget about William Tell; William Gates shoots Apple off the head of Steve Jobs.
4. Use of a large, clumsy broadsword instead of yet-to-be-invented scissors helps explain Lord Bill's haircut.
3. Archbishop of Canterbury gets hit in the face with a cream pie.
2. Stained Glass Windows MCCCXLV actually not released until Spring of MCCCXLVI.
and the Number 1 Difference in the Middle Ages if Microsoft Had Existed Then...
1. The Y1K bug threatens to cripple high-tech industries, like stonemasonry and weaving.
Top 11 Signs You've
Hired The Wrong Magician:tophat:
:bozo::juggle::bozo:
11. Novel as it may be, pulling a hat out of a rabbit just plain scares the kids. :scared:
10. He calmly announces that any "animal lovers in the crowd should probably leave the room for the next few tricks." :cat::blackcat::piggy:
9.  Saws the lady in half, then tells the kids that only "money from mommy's purse" can make her whole again. :pirate1:
8.  Saws a gummie bear in half, then puts it back together. :yawn:
7.  Insists that his magic won't work if he puts his clothes back on. :wizard:
6.  "The Amazing Kevorkian" is scaring the hell out of Grandma. :suicide:
5.  She closes her eyes, then claims to be invisible. :hypno:
4.  His first and only trick: The Amazing Disappearing Bottle of Jagermeister!:drinking:
3.  During one trick, screams "Pick a freakin' card already or I swear I'll blow the little birthday boy's head off!" :shoot:
2.  Smoke emanating from more than just the fingertips of The Magnificent Flatulo. :fart:
and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired The Wrong Magician...
1.  Her "magic words" after sawing a volunteer in half? "OhNoOhNoOhNoOhNoOhNoOhNoOhNo!":opps:
:tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed: :tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed::tomatoed:
The Top 20 Stories in the Country-Western Bible
20. Esther and Mordecai confrontin' Haman in front o' the King, Jerry Springer style!
19. Uriah's "I don't care if you are the King! I know what you been a' plannin' with my wife!"
18. The apostle Paul in the "I done did see that there light!"
17. Daniel in the Cheatin', Drinkin' 'n' Lyin' Den
16. "...and even though the people begged to be let upon the Ark, Noah did give them the finger."
15. Joseph-Bob and the Amazing Rhinestone-Studded Belt Buckle of Many Colors
14. "...and Bobbi Sue begat Uncle Rufus, and Uncle Rufus begat Jo Beth, and Jo Beth begat Cletus..."
13. Moses leads a mess o' kinfolk through a sea of red necks.
12. Jesus turned the water into Coors Light... and nobody noticed!
11. "Jesus did moan and wail and gnash his teeth for he knew not the steps to the Sandal-Scootin' Boogie.'
10. "...and on the seventh day, God created JET POWERED FUNNY CAR RACES AT THE COLISEUM!!! SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!"
9. The feeding of the masses with one little ol' chicken-fried steak, a mess o' greens and some hog jowls.
8. "...and I reckon thou oughtta keep yer hands offa thine neighbor's truck over yonder, also."
7. David vs. Goliath in the Monster Truck & Tractor Pull
6. Jim Bob explains to the Game Warden that all them fishes in his boat just up and multiplied.
5. "...and Jesus approached the tomb and yelled: 'Lazarus! Get your bony ass out here, boy!'"
4. Noah and his Big-Ass Bass Boat
3. "You call them wounds? I'll show you wounds, you lyin' sack o' manna!" said Doubting Tom, reaching for his shotgun.
2. Moses parts the Mississippi so the Senior Citizens' bus can make it to Branson.
and the Number 1 Story in the Country-Western Bible...
1. Foxworthy 3:16 -- "You Might Be An Israelite If..."
:P
The Top 12 Signs Your Car Needs Washing
12. Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
11. On their way to the fishin' hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
10. Greenpeace won't let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
9. Neighborhood kids offer: "Mow your Volvo, sir?"
8. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
7. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
6. "Wash Me" appears on your trunk -- chiseled with a jackhammer.
5. Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
4. Your "cell phone antenna" is really a sapling which took root.
3. Kids write "PLOW ME!" on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Car Needs Washing...
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!!! :shocked:
Top 15 Signs Your Cat :blackcat: May Be Trying To Kill You
15. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
14. He actually does have your tongue.
13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."
8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"
7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."
And the number one way to tell your cat :cat: may be trying to kill you....
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
The Top 20 Ways to make People try to Shut You Up.....
1. Echo yourself(example: How are you today..day..ay..ay..)
2. Talksofastthatnoonecanunderstandawordyousay....
3. Sing annoying songs
4. Talk about something in great detail to someone who has no
clue what the hell you're talking about
5. Laugh like a ManIac for no particular reason
6. Yell to a friend across the theater in the middle of a movie
7. Scream in someone's ear.
8. Talk about something disgusting
9. Talk in gibberish
10.Alktay inay igpay atinlay
11.Orop inop opop-topalopkop (Or in op-talk)
12.Tell REALLY bad puns
13.Jump from topic to topic with no warning
14.Talk loudly to a friend in front of members of the opposite
sex, about how the opposite sex sucks big time
15.Talk in rhyme. Don't stop when asked to
16.Sing WAY off key
17.Hold up a gerbil/mouse, talk in a squeaky voice and pretend
that you are the gerbil/mouse
18.Talk about something blasphemous to very religious
people ...or vice versa
19.Make a face. Hold it that way. People tell you to shut up
even though you said nothing
20.Stare at someone for a long time without responding to "Got
a staring problem?" etc. Once again, even though you said nothing,
people will say "shut up" because you are disturbing them into
confusion. (YESSSSS!:)
The Top 10 Things You Will Never Hear a Man Say.....
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but she's just too attractive.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Desperate Housewives.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
And the Number One thing you will NEVER hear a man say......
1. We never talk anymore
The Top 25 Ways to Ensure You Never Get Invited Back to Church :priest:
25. During Communion, when handed the wafers, declare loudly: "No thanks, I'm a pagan." :evil:
24. When the minister invites the congregation to pray, pull out a drum and start chanting.:coolmusic:
23. Make change from the collection plate/donation box.:greedy::dollar:
22. Keep referring to Jesus as "God's Bastard". :devil:
21. Get "the spirit". (This works best in Catholic or Southern Baptist venues):excited:
20. While the rest of the congregation is singing "Michael Row the Boat
Ashore" try to start rounds of "Row, Row, Row your Boat".:serenade:
19. Ask if the communion wafers come with dipping sauce. If anyone answers "No" pull out a bottle of honey mustard.:eat:
18. Vomit.:barf:
17. Ask to sing in the choir. Pick your nose the entire time.:yuck:
16. Bring the Sunday comics section. Read during sermon. Laugh out loud. :rofl:
15. Same as #16, but add Silly Putty.:rofl::rofl:
14. Keep bringing up the Spanish Inquisition. :headbang::rant::shocked::readthis::redface::angry:
13. Wash your hands in the holy water fount. (Hint: Bring your own soap):bubblegum:
11. Fart. Loudly. Blame it on the little blue-haired lady sitting in front
of you. Repeat often.:fart:
10. Tarot readings during Sunday School.:hypno:
9. During the invitation, step into the aisle, walk halfway to the front.
Stop. Change your mind. Turn around and run, screaming frantically, until you're outside.:assimilation:
8. Bring pets.:blackcat:
7. Think ballpark. Think food vendor. Become an entrepreneur. :snack:
6. Pretend you're at a concert. Bring a beach ball.:juggle:
5. Come in on crutches. Halfway through service, stand up and shout "I'm healed!!" Fall down. (Optional: Repeat several times):crutch:
4. Have a pizza delivered. Ask for extra wine during communion.:pizza:
3. Attend services in drag. :queen:
2. Two words: Super Soaker. :surfsup:
And the number one way to ensure you never get asked back to church....
1. Keep asking, "Where do the goats get sacrificed?":voodoo:
And now for something completely different.....;).....okay, well, somewhat different.....:D
Beer Quotes and Sayings
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer
and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football
team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need
a beer.
--Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach
you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemmingway
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill
He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
--His reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us
stomachs.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry
I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan
They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools.
--For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's
just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
Real Business Signs Spotted
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."
At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be..."
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"