The Top Five Shortest Books Ever Written.
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything Men Know About Women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's Who in Puerto Rico
Warm Christian Love
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The Top Five Shortest Books Ever Written.
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Three Shortest Books Ever Written.
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for the New Millenium: NRA Handbook
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The Top Five Minnesota Bumper Stickers.
* Are those goose bumps or mosquito bites?
* Minnesota - where bottled water comes in cubes
* Visit Minnesota (weather permitting)
* Minnesota - Home of the bald ego
* Go Twins Go - and take the Vikequeens with you
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The Top Four Minnesota Bumper Stickers.
* Minnesota: At least we're not one of them square states
* Minnesota: Summer falls on a Thursday this year.
* Minnesota: We're not nice, We're numb.
* Welcome to Minnesota! Caution: Some potholes contain fishermen.
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The Top Five Bumper Stickers.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
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The Top Five Bumper Stickers.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
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The Top Five Signs That Don't Quite Give The Intended Message.
On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant …"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant … "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store … "Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
On a New York convalescent home … "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church"
Outside a country shop in West Virginia … "We buy junk and sell antiques."
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The Top Five Signs That Don't Quite Give The Intended Message.
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store … "15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago … "Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New York restaurant … "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
In the offices of a New Jersey loan company …"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In the window of an Oregon general store … "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
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The Top Five Signs That Don't Quite Give The Intended Message.
In downtown Boston … "Callahan Tunnel - NO END"
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon …"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
On a Tennessee highway … "Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut … "No trespassing without permission."
In a New York medical building … "Mental Health Prevention Center"
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The Top Five Comedians' Best Lines, 1997.
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David Letterman
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
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The Top Five Comedians' Best Lines, 1997.
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache." --Jack Mayberry
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my....I could be eating a slow learner."
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld
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The Top Five Traffic Excuses.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
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The Top Five Greatest Lies In Aviation.
I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I only need glasses for reading.
Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
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The Top Five Sports Quotes.
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own Mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
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