The Top Five Definitions.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Definitions.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Lexiograms.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
5. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five New York City Driving Rules.
1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Are From Tennessee.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
There are 5,000 types of snakes, and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a couple no one's seen before.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Are From Tennessee.
A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.
You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.
You think it's worth it driving to Alabama just to save 1.25% on the sales tax.
You eat "dinner" at noon and "supper" in the evening.
You measure distance in minutes, not miles.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Are From Tennessee.
You're convinced you don't need driver's ed -- your father's and uncles' pickup trucks were training enough.
You own only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.
The local papers cover national and international news on one page but require six pages for local gossip and sports.
You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Texas Phrases And Their Definitions.
The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving.
(Not overly intelligent)
All hat, no cattle.
(All talk and no action)
We've howdied but we ain't shook yet.
(We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced)
He's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth.
(Talks a lot)
He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch.
(Not the most handsome of men)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Senior Personal Ads.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Facts About Americans.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Travel Agents Stories.
* I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that it was not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
* A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m., and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m.? I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
* I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Three Short Jokes.
Sailor(reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every time I breathe a man dies?"
Another sailor: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
Grover: "You know, that cow of mine has as much sense as I do."
Luke: "Well, don't tell anybody. You might want to sell her one day."
"I'd like coffee, without cream," the customer said.
"I'm sorry," said the waitress. "You'll have to take it without milk. We're all out of cream."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five New And Improved Greeting Cards.
OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.
OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.
OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the HECK was I thinking?
OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.
OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five New And Improved Greeting Cards.
OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother
INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer....
OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.
OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheater!
OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Imponderables.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore