The Top Five short Quips.
I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats canines to another."
It's no use having a good memory unless you have something good to remember.
My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.
There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: want less.
"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five short Quips.
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost. - Herb Cohen
The American Way: Using instant coffee to dawdle away an hour.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Three Quips.
A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time. This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show.
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Quips.
Knowledge without insight is like a horse in the library.
Some people reach the top of the ladder of success only to find it is leaning against the wrong wall.
It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane. --June Henderson
Be careful of your thoughts: They may become words at any moment.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. --Mark Twain
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Ten Excuses Why You Were Late To Work.
1. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out of bed.
2. I had to take my cat to the dentist.
3. I went all the way to the office and realized I was still in my pajamas and had to go home to change.
4. I saw that you weren't in the office, so I went out looking for you.
5. I couldn't find the right tie, so I had to wait for the stores to open so I could buy one.
6. My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I needed to tend to the ferret.
7. I ran over a goat.
8. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and the police required everyone to stay for questioning.
9. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull over.
10. I wet my pants and went home to change.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Quips.
Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. --Josh Billings
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. --Henny Youngman
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Interesting Quotes.
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose."
-Winston Churchill
"No man is ever old enough to know better."
-Holbrook Jackson
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am."
-Bernard Baruch
"History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living."
-Lawrence Durrell
"Hollywood -- a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum."
-Laurence Stallings
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One Liners.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Short Jokes.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That Your SUV Is Too Big.
The last time you took your kids to a Monster Truck pull, the parking attendants directed you right onto the stadium racetrack.
When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.
Your garage is larger than your house.
One of those "Oversize Load" escort trucks has to precede you down the interstate.
Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That Your SUV Is Too Big.
Before you go out, you have to file for a parade permit.
You're the first one in your neighborhood to own a 2004 Halliburton-Rolling House S-Class twin-turbo.
It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.
There are two successful Starbucks franchises located in the back.
It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That Your SUV Is Too Big.
It's great for soccer moms, since the back seat folds down into an entire field, complete with goals.
You need a Sherpa and an oxygen tank to reach the driver's seat.
Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
Mortgage payment = $2200. Texaco card payment = $2201.
You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Similarities Between Teenagers And Cats.
1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
5. No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Similarities Between Teenagers And Cats.
Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore