The Top Five Seinfeldisms.
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Immutable Laws.
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Immutable Laws.
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Immutable Laws.
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Laws Of Cat Physics.
LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS - Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF PILL REJECTION - Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs.
In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
On the grounds of a public school: No trespassing without permission.
On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.
Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs.
Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Weird Facts.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
No standard 8 1/2 x 11 piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Weird Facts.
A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.
The albatross drinks sea water. It has a special desalinization apparatus that strains out and excretes all excess salt.
In Clarendon, Texas, there is reportedly a law on the books that lawyers must accept eggs, chickens, or other produce, as well as money, as payment of legal fees.
Cats purr at 26 cycles per second, the same as an idling diesel engine.
A dragonfly flaps its wings 20 to 40 times a second, bees and houseflies 200 times, some mosquitoes 600 times, and a tiny gnat 1,000 times.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Weird Facts.
The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
All porcupines float in water.
Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
When opossums are playing "possum," they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Goreisms.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- Al Gore
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Al Gore
"Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." -- Vice President Al Gore
"Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Al Gore
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Goreisms.
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'" -- Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." -- Vice President Al Gore
"The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Al Gore
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Cat Quotes.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kids Conversations.
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS: I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER: I was standing on it.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore