The Top Ten Signs Of The Times.
At the Electric Company "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
- On the door of a Computer Store "Out for a quick byte."
- In a Restaurant window "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
- Inside a Bowling Alley "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
- In a Podiatrist's office "Time wounds all heels."
- On a Butchers window "Let me meat your needs."
- On a fence "Salesman Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
- At a car Dealership "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
- Outside a Muffler Shop "No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
- Outside a Hotel "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Differences Between Prison And Work.
In prison, you spend a majority of time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in an 8x10 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day. At work, you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison you can watch tv and play games. At work you get fired for watching tv and playing games.
At work you must carry a security card to unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share.
In prison they let your family and friends to come and visit. At work you're not even supposed to speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
At prison there are sadistic wardens. At work you have managers.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Atheist Jokes.
The young son of some atheists went to his parents one day, and said, "Do you think God KNOWS we don't believe in Him?"
"Atheists are really often put on the spot; they have to sing, "Hummmmmm bless America."
Did you hear about the atheist who was complaining about dial- a-prayer. He finally got the telephone company to give him equal time. Now they've got dial-a-prayer for atheist. You call a number and nobody answers.
"One who denies the existence of God and has a concrete mind - permanently set and all mixed up."
Athiests have their own holiday. April 1st
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Stupid Signs.
Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Daily Affirmations.
- As I let go of my shoulds and feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Sociopath.
- I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
- I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
- I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
- In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Daily Affirmations.
- Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
- My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
- I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
- I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.
- I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Daily Affirmations.
- I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
- The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
- I am at one with my duality.
- Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
- Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Old wise Sayings.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Old wise Sayings.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is the sinking feeling you have made this mistake before.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Old Wise Sayings.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sayings Of Professors Explained.
You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field.
(I used it as a grad student.)
If you follow these few simple rules, you'll do fine in the course.
(If you don't need any sleep, you'll do fine in the course.)
The gist of what the author is saying is what's most important.
(I don't understand the details either.)
Various authorities agree that...
(My hunch is that...)
The answer to your question is beyond the scope of this class.
(I don't know.)
You'll have to see me during my office hours for a thorough answer to your question.
(I don't know.)
In answer to your question, you must recognize that there are several disparate points of view.
(I really don't know.)
Today we are going to discuss a most important topic.
(Today we are going to discuss my dissertation.)
Unfortunately, we haven't the time to consider all of the people who made contributions to this field.
(I disagree with what roughly half of the people in this field have said.)
We can continue this discussion outside of class.
(1. I'm tired of this - let's quit.
2. You're winning the argument - let's quit.)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sayings Of Engineers Explained.
A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still grasping at straws.)
We're working on a fresh approach to the problem.
(We just hired three kids fresh out of college.)
Close project coordination.
(We know who to blame.)
Major technological break through.
(It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.)
Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured.
(We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.)
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
Test results were extremely gratifying.
(We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.)
The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only person who understood the thing quit.)
It is in process.
(It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.)
We'll look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems for now.)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Southernisms.
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.
The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.
The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.
The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.
The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.
The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.
The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.
The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.
The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.
The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Valentine Riddles.
What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!
What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"
Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.
What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!
What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!
What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Thanksgiving Riddles.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
What is the best thing to put into stuffing?
Your teeth!
What is the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
The tur-key!
Did the little Pilgrims eat their turkey with their fingers?
No, they never ate their fingers!
Why were the Pilgrims afraid of the turkey?
Because he was always a'gobblin!
Why didn't the Pilgrim want to make the bread?
It's a crummy job!
Why didn't the turkey want any lunch?
He was already stuffed!
What part of the turkey can play in a band?
The drum-stick!
What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?
Breakfast or lunch!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore