The Top Five Church Signs.
1) The best vitamin for a Christian is B1
2) Under same management for over 2000 years
3) Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back
4) Soul food served here
5) You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Husbands' Quotes.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrup ther.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Military Laws.
- Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.
- No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
- Friendly fire ain't.
- The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.
- The problem with taking the easy way out is that the enemy has already has it mined.
- The buddy system is essential to your survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
- Incoming fire has the right of way.
- If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
- If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
- The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Silly Questions.
Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.
Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Famous People Quotes.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Microsoft Slogans.
10. Competition is good. 90% market share is better.
9. We're disappointed that the US government failed to reach a reasonable settlement with Microsoft. We thought that our press release last year about Microsoft buying the US government took care of these little details.
8. We support a free marketplace. So long as our support is visibly branded everywhere, at any price.
7. The Road Ahead: Revised edition, "How to avoid the sink holes."
6. When in doubt, spend gobs of cash on ads in all the major newspapers on a one-day rampage against government. That always beats befriending politicians and bureaucrats.
5. We value our customers. That's why we only charge $75 per question on our toll-free tech support phone lines! (Hey, at least the phone call is free)
4. Just because our marketing memos effectively caught us with our pants down and our hands in the cookie jar, doesn't mean we can't bully our way out of this mess.
3. We love the idea of competition. That's why we bought a huge chunk of Apple.
2. The US economy depends heavily on Microsoft's ability to release Windows on time. Yeah, and that also proves how insignificant and non-monopolistic we are as compared to our software competitors.
...and the #1 Microsoft Slogan...
1. No Linux for you!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten New Jersey Driving Tips.
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real New Jersey driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered going with the flow.
4. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will inevitably result in you being rear ended. If you want your insurance company to pay for a new rear bumper, come to a complete stop at all stop signs.
6. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
7. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. New Jersey is a no-fault insurance state and the other guy doesn't have anything to lose.
8. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
9. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway.
10. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Pilot Flying Rules.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Joys Of Womanhood.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.
The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things A Redneck Won't Say.
1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Facts About Women.
1) Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2) Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3) Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4) Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5) Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6) Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7) Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.
8) Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
9) Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
10) If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Husband Speak Terms Decoded.
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means....
There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean....
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means....
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Church Bloopers.
1) The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
2) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
3) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
4) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
5) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Reasons Why Men Can't Win.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Blonde One-Liners
Q: Why don't blondes have elavator jobs?
A: They don't know the route!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore