The Top Ten Bumper Stickers.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you!
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Politically Correct Statements.
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Changes to Cable Television.
Top Ten Changes to Cable Television Resulting from AOL Acquiring Time Warner...
10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear "You've got Pay Per View".
9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just wont work.
8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal.
7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled.
6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try.
5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching television.
4. Childproof features on cable will prevent you from receiving programs from undesirable sources, including ones you really do want to receive.
3. The cable repairman tells you to turn your TV off and back on again when you report your cable is on the fritz.... again.
2. Relatives in neighboring towns make fun of you because you don't have a "real" cable company like they do.
and the number one change....
1. "You've been watching TV too long. Your connection has been terminated."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Reasons for Being Italian.
- In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
- Not embarrassed to wear fur.
- No need to worry about tax returns.
- Glorious military history... well, till about 400 a.d.
- Can wear sunglasses inside.
- Political stability.
- Flexible working hours.
- Live near the Pope.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Yugo Jokes.
Q. What's the difference between a Yugo and the principal's office?
A. It's less embarrassing if your friends see you leaving the principal's
office.
Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The train & bus schedule.
A man goes to a parts garage:
Man: "Can I have a windshield wiper for a Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, that seems like a fair swap."
Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!
Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!
Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Reasons to Buy a New Car.
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Signs That You Have A Beat Up Car.
You might have a beat car if the police are constantly pulling you over to check for dead bodies because the car stinks so bad.
You might have a beat car if your own mother would rather walk ten miles to your house, then ride in the car.
You might have a beat car if your own wife divorces you because she is so ashamed of it.
You might have a beat car if everyone in your town stops and stares and says what the hell?
You might have a beat car if your own mechanic hung himself to avoid working on your car.
You might have a beat car if every time you pull into your local Pepboys and everyone asks you if you won the demo derby?
You might have a beat car if the entire thing is held together by duct tape and clothes hangers.
You might have a beat car if every time you drive it people think it's on fire and call 911 because it smokes so bad.
You might have a beat car if you try to put it in a junkyard and the owners tell you were not taking that piece of crap.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Puns.
My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun)
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying. (Renee from Napa)
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the "stainless stealer." (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards. (Haust Javeri)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ways To Distinguish A Company Car.
1. They accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
2. They travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance.
4. They can take bumps at twice the speed as private cars.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to be checked nearly so much as a private car.
6. They have a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an ashtray.
8. They only burn the cheapest gas available.
9. They do not have to be garaged at night.
10. They can be driven up to 150 miles with the oil warning light on.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Car Insurance Claims.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I didn't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationery truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment
In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten That You Have Too Much Horsepower.
1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.
2. You can't drive your car in the rain.
3. Your "significant other" is afraid to drive your car.
4. You are afraid to drive your car.
5. You spend more on tires than on food.
6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.
8. You have to go to the track to buy gas.
9. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you.
10. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 Indications You Have the Wrong Used Car Salesman.
10. When you complain that a car has too many miles, he asks you how many miles you'd like to see on it.
9. Has dog named "Pacer."
8. When you crank the car and fluid rocket over your left shoulder, he notes, "Oh, that's a standard feature on all of these newer models.
7. Uses the 'Slim Jim' strapped to his belt to open the cars for your inspection.
6. When you ask him where the restroom is, he says, "Tell 'ya what I'm gonna do ...."
5. Lunges behind a fern every time you mention "Mike Wallace."
4. His bumper sticker reads, "Honk If You've Ever Reamed A Guy For Eight C-notes On A '72 Dodge Dart."
3. Casts no shadow even in direct sunlight.
2. Ever uses the words "excellent" and "Hyundai" in the same sentence.
1. Tries to convince you that this car will get better mileage because it is heavier, and you will be able to "coast a lot."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Proverbs & Counter-Proverbs.
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Puns.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Yugo Puns.
# How do you make a Yugo go faster?
A towtruck.
# What do you call the shock absorbers inside a Yugo?
Passengers.
# Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in Oakland following a push-by shooting incident.
# The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping real fast.
I have also said for years that the car is named because "Yugo, but it doesn't".
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore