The Top Five Really Bad Headlines.
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Toy Disclaimers.
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Six Helpful Hints For The Inexperienced American Traveler.
* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Albert Einstein Quotes On Knowledge.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"The only real valuable thing is intuition."
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sayings.
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. IT GOES ON.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
There are two things to aim at in life: first to get what you want and, after that, to enjoy it. Only the wisest of mankind achieve the second.
There is no right way to do the wrong thing.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
Knowledge is like a garden; if it is not cultivated, it cannot be harvested.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One Line Jokes.
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sarcastic Quotes.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
When I look into your eyes, I see straight through to the back of your head.
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you any worse advice.
He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm impressed, I've never met such a small mind inside such a big head before.
I will defend, to your death, my right to my opinion.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Lawyer One Liners.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
A: ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Potato Jokes.
Why did the potato cross the road?
He saw a fork up ahead.
How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.
Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.
Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!
What do you call a baby potato?
A small fry!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sarcastic Quotes. Part 2
# She's the first in her family born without tail.
# That man is cruelly depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
# There are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.
# What he is lacking in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.
# Whatever it is that is eating you, it must be suffering horribly.
# Don't let your mind wander, it's far too small to be let out on its own.
# Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.
# Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without you putting in so much effort to give us another?
# He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
# I bet you get bullied a lot.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Sixteenth Century Colloquialisms.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets. . . dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs, lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold."
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: " peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes . . . for 400 years.
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers -- a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust."
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Actual Medical Record Typos.
* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
* Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top TenTips for Surviving the Modern World.
1.If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2.If your computer says "Printer out of paper," this problem cannot be solved by clicking the "OK" button.
3.If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it up to the water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4.No matter how much data you add to your laptop computer, it will not get any heavier.
5.A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6.It's OK to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7.When the PC says "Insert Diskette #2" don't do it immediately. Remove Diskette #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8.When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9.The French version of the Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English web pages into French.
10.If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get a call from Col. Sanders for new orders....DON'T CALL BACK!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Pastoral Candidates.
The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:_The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date. (This aside from Les: Ancient Jewish tradition has it that Melchizedek is really Shem. If you check out the lifespan of Shem in the Bible, it seems to be true!)
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas Iscariot: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Office Terms.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, messes up everything, and then leaves.
Blowing Your Buffer - Losing your train of thought.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM (Career-Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity, e.g., trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia - Fear associated with entering a Costco or Kmart because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia, Tandyagonia, or Circuit Cityatosis.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the Adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-a-cubicle comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him -- he's 404, man."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore