The Top Ten That You May Be A Redneck Pilot.
.your stall warning plays "Dixie."
...your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
...you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
...you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
...you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
...your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
...just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
...you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
...you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
...you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Tips For Rednecks.
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During A Surgery.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !
- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.
- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- You sure it wasn't this leg?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Four Doctor Jokes.
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
The doctor was examining the trick knee of his pretty young patient when he said, "What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?"
A doctor said to his patient, "Well, your leg is swollen, but I wouldn't worry about it." The patient replied, "No, and if your leg were swollen I wouldn't worry about it either."
A man kept going to the eye doctor because his eye hurt and the doctor finally discovered his problem. He said, "Your eye hurts when you drink tea, so you can't drink tea." So the patient said, "But I love tea." The doctor replied, "Okay, as long as you take the spoon out."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Things My Mother Taught Me.
My mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Short Jokes.
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too
much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the
floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bible Jokes.
Question. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Answer. Ruthless.
Question. What do they call pastors in Germany?
Answer. German Shepherds.
Question. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Answer. Noah. He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Question. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
Answer. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little Prophet.
Question. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Answer. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Question. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
Answer. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Question. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
Answer. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Question. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in theBible?
Answer. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Question. Which Bible character had no parents?
Answer. Joshua, son of Nun.
Question. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark?
Answer. Because Noah was standing on the deck.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten T-Shirt Slogans.
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
"Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane."
"HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"The trouble with life is there's no background music."
"The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Inventions Bound To Fail.
*The water-proof towel
*Glow in the dark sunglasses
*Solar powered flashlights
*Submarine screen doors
*A book on how to read
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bumper Stickers About Working.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck
I'm just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Ford Acronyms.
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road Dead
Four Old Rusted Doors
Failure Of Research & Development
Found Old Rebuilt Dodge
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Police Quotes.
The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sayings That Should Be On Buttons.
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
3. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
4. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
5. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
7. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten One Liners.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things To Remember During A War.
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore