Top Ten Ways To Identify Where a Driver is From.
10. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
9. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
8. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
7. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
6. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
5. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
4. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
3. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
2. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: Texas.
1. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 Signs You Have Had Too Much Of eMail.
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
1. Immediately after reading this list, you e-mail it to someone.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Blonde One-Liners.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: What do you give the blonde that has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Blonde One-Liners.
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Lawyer One Liners.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball?
A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?
A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Lawyer One Liners.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: You don't know how? Good!
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?
A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Blonde One-Liners.
Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Sayings Of Famous People's Mothers.
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Blonde One-Liners.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Business Mergers.
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.
Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Fairchild Electronics, Honeywell Computers, and Rothschild will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney, and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Newspapers Classified Ads.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale
3 year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things To Think About.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A good pun is its own reword.
A harp is a piano with no clothes on.
A heavy-handed father makes a nimble-footed son.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Things Men Are Like.
Men are like..... Place-mats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like..... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like..... Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like..... Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like..... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like..... Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like..... Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like..... High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like..... Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Murphy's Laws Of Computing!
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things That You Never Hear In Church.
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime.
3. Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary; let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before.
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore