The Top Ten Signs That It's Going To Be A Bad Shift.
10. The previous shift tells you, "Things have been quiet."
9. You walk onto the floor and someone from the previous shift says, "Is it that time already?"
8. You run into the pharmacist at the elevator, he hands you a case of Prozac and says, "Here, this is for your floor."
7. Your phone rings 4 hours before your shift and they beg you to come in early.
6. After giving report, the nurse yells from the elevator, "Oh, by the way, they're 'pleasantly confused'."
5. While driving to work, every radio station is playing "Knockin' on Heaven's Door".
4. As soon as you walk in, someone hands you scrubs and says, "Here, you'd better put these on."
3. You come in and find one of the previous shift nurses openly weeping at the nurse's station.
2. The nurse about to give you report looks up from her notes and asks, "How many R's in diarrhea?"
1. There's no fresh coffee in the break room.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Strange Signs.
# In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
# Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
# Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR
MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
# Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.
YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
# In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
# Spotted in a toilet of a New York office building:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
# Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN.
# Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
# Spotted in a National Park:
BEARS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
# Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Thoughts To Ponder.
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Kitchen Plaque Sayings.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is Delirious
* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Sins That It's Time To Get A New Lawyer.
The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Pepsi."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Might Be An Engineer.
# Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
# Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
# The salespeople at Radio Shack can't answer any of your questions.
# You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
# You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Waiter Waiter Jokes.
# Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
# Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
# Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
# Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
# Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
# Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
# Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
# Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
# Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
# Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things Not To Say To Police Officers.
1. Are you Andy or Barney?
2. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
3. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a police officer.
4. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
5. I pay your salary!
6. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
7. Hey, you must've been doing' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. I was trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Accountant Jokes.
# What's the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
# What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
# When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
# What's an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humor.
# Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
# What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
# What's a shy and retiring accountant?
An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
# How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
# What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
# What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Waiter Waiter Jokes.
# Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
# Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
# Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?
# Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!
# Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.
# Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.
# Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter, it's margarine - so there!
# Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
# Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.
# Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Cat Jokes.
# What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Crispies
# Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
It's meow-sic to their ears!
# Why do cats eat fur balls?
Because they love a good gag!
# Why does everyone love cats?
They're purr-fect!
# What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A sourpuss!
# What do you call it when a cat bites?
Catnip!
# What's every cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice!
# What do you call it when a cat stops?
A paws!
# What's a cat's second favorite food?
Spa-catti!
# What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?
A first-aid kit!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Flea Jokes.
# What is the difference between a flea and a wolf?
One prowls on the hairy and the other howls on the prairie!
# What to you call a Russian flea?
A Moscow-ito!
# What insect runs away from everything?
A flee!
# What do you get if you cross a rabbit and a flea?
Bugs Bunny!
# How do you start an insect race?
One, two, flea - go!
# What do you call a cheerful flea?
A hop-timist!
# What did the clean dog say to the insect?
Long time no flea!
# What did one flea say to the other after a night out?
Shall we walk home or take a dog?
# What did the romantic flea say?
I love you aw-flea!
# Why did the stupid boy wear a turtleneck sweater?
To hide his flea collar!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Computer Puns.
What do you call a computer superhero?
A Screen Saver.
Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat.
Who chases computer criminals?
A hacker-tracker.
What do you get if you cross a computer with an elephant?
Lots of Memory.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a computer?
A machine that has a bark worse than its byte.
Why was the computer so angry?
Because it had a chip on its shoulder.
Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its websight.
Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-o
Where do cool mice live?
In mousepads. '
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Four Goat Jokes.
# What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.
# What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.
# What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the kid.
# What do you call a goat that lip syncs?
Billy-Vanilli.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Terms In The Government Contracting Dictionary.
CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.
ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.
PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random with a shotgun.
STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore