The Top Ten Political Bloopers.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talk-show host." --James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Husband-Wife Jokes.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
She replied, " Yes, dear, but I was in love, and didn't notice."
A lady placed an ad in the classifieds : "Husband wanted."
The next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!"
Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy ?"
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge, than to let her keep him.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was, until I got married ... and then it was too late."
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire,"
"And what was he before you married him?",asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire."
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life, thinking they had no faults at all.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday, is to forget it once.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Very Short Books.
1) A Guide to Arab Democracies
2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
3) Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
4) Career Opportunities for History Majors
5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II
6) Detroit - A Travel Guide
7) Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
8) Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
9) Easy UNIX
10) Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five One Line Jokes.
Television is called a medium because so little of it is either rare or well done. - Mrs. Deane Binder in the Catholic Digest
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
Bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five New Book Releases.
"How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
"The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
"The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
"Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
"Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five T-Shirt Messages.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Quotes On Marriage.
"Marriage is like twirling a baton, handsprings, or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy till you try it."
"If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would be fewer divorces - and more bankruptcies." - Frances Rodman
"Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke."
"Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales."
"There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
"In Hollywood all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together afterwards that causes the problems." - Shelley Winters
"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a higher opinion of him than he deserves." - Edgar Watson Howe
"The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method for getting acquainted." - Heywood Broun
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Redneck Movie Quotes.
"We'll always have Wal-Mart."
"You had me at 'Sooooey!'"
"Houston, we have a 'possum."
"Are you CRYING? There's no crying in NASCAR!"
"Of all the trailer parks in Pine Cone County, she had to pull her '68 Rambler into mine."
"Use the horse, Luke!"
"I ate his ribs... with some pinto beans and a shot o' Jack Daniel's."
"Hokey opera and ancient museums are no match for a good tractor pull, kid."
"I know what you're thinking... did he fire six shots or only five? Well, heck if I know! You KNOW I can't count no higher'n three since the chainsaw accident!"
"You want a tooth?! You can't HANDLE a tooth!!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Random Quotes.
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You've Bought a Cheap Car
10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than
This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the
everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
And, without further ado, the number one sign you bought a cheap car:
1. When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Bad Response For Guys To Give To The "How Do I Look" Question
1. "That's a great outfit honey but Halloween was 6 weeks ago."
2. "I ain't seen a caboose that big since Amtrak left town."
3. "Uh-uh, the last time I answered that question, I went temporarily blind."
4. "Ssshhh, the games on right now..go look in the mirror, that's what its there for!!"
5. "Oh man, I'm gonna lose my lunch."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A New Englander.
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Politically Correct Statements.
Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ways How Men And Dogs Are Alike.
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Both like dominance games.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
Neither of them tells you what's bothering them.
Neither of them does dishes.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Toy Disclaimers.
* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.
* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
* Some dismemberment may occur.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore