The Top Five Unnecessary Inventions.
**Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
**Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
**Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
**Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
**Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Mysterious Phrases Explained.
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"...An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...This is the prettiest graph.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Medical School Application Answers.
Antibody: Against everyone.
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to a cafeteria.
Benign: What you've been after eight.
Cardiology: Advance study of poker playing.
Cat Scan: Searching for lost kitty.
Chronic: Neck of a crow.
Coma: Punctuation mark.
Cyst: Short of sister.
Diagnosis: Person with slanted nose.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Funny Definitions.
Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.
Antelope: How she married my Uncle.
Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.
Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.
Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twelve MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMPUTING!
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
~ To err is human... to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
~ He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
~ If at first you don't succeed, blame your computer.
~ A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
~ The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
~ A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
~ When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
~ When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
~ The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
~ When the going gets tough, upgrade.
~ When you need to send an email quick, that's when the modem won't connect!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Lawyer Puns.
*Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
*Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
*Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
*Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
*Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground?
A. Deep down, they're good.
*Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A. The lawyer charges more.
*Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?...
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
*It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Fishing Terms.
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Phone Messages.
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Kids' Little Instructions On Life.
"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." -Andrew, Age 9
"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." -Rocky, age 9
"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." -Stephanie, age 8
"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9
"Don't ever be too full for dessert." -Kelly, age 10
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12
"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13
"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12
"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." -Chelsey, age 7
"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." -Phillip, age 13
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Puns.
Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck. (Evan Esar)
Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. (Cynthia MacGregor)
The bar mirror allowed him to watch his drinking. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
The priest did not appreciate the smell coming from the commune. He was incensed. (Jason Dias)
The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth. It was a case of acid dental death. (Alex Rodriquez)
Most people thought the location of the church under the billboard was an accident, but it was really by design. (Jason Dias)
She dumped the guitarist because he wanted to string her along. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Dieting is a way of living a little longer by starving yourself to death. (Renee From Napa)
As he approached the bridge in rush hour, his radio played The Car Strangled Spanner. (Pun of the Day)
When the trucker passed the mountain driving test, he made the grade. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Thirteen Headstones.
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Murphy's Technology Laws.
Murphy's Technology Laws Murphy's Technology Law #1: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Murphy's Technology Law #2: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Murphy's Technology Law #3: Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
Murphy's Technology Law #4: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Murphy's Technology Law #5: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Murphy's Technology Law #6: Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Murphy's Technology Law #7: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Murphy's Technology Law #8: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Murphy's Technology Law #9: All's well that ends... period.
Murphy's Technology Law #10: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Benefits About Aging.
# There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.
# Things that you buy now won't wear out.
# Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
# You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
# Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
# You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
# Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
# You can sing along with elevator music.
# Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
# Your eyes won't get too much worse.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten One-Liners.
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with...
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
Would the Standing Committee please sit down?
43.3% of statistics are meaningless!
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
Madness takes its toll; please have exact change...
It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit.
For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Murphy's Laws For Parents.
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses - will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt you child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore