The Top Five Rules For City Driving.
1. Never, EVER slow down when a light turns yellow. If you're within half a block of a stop light when it turns yellow, put the pedal to the metal.
2. When attempting to enter a street from any parking lot, make sure that at least the front third of your car is sticking out into the nearest lane.
3. When it starts raining, completely lose your ability to drive and act as if you've never done it before.
4. Using your turn signals is absolutely prohibited, except in limited circumstances, such as when you're five feet from the corner. NEVER use your signal when you're making a right turn and someone is waiting to pull out into YOUR lane.
5. A red light is not TRULY red until five seconds after the yellow light goes out.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Are From Tennessee.
You've never met any celebrities -- other than Fred Thompson.
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
You know all four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.
You laugh when people from anywhere north of Tennessee try to say or spell "y'all."
It's "Mar-vull," not "Mary-ville."
It's "Knox-vull," not "Knox-ville."
A toboggan is a hat, not a sled.
You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter inside, and closing it back up again.
Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.
Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be pronounced.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Short Funnies.
Q: How do you tickle a rich girl?
A: Say, "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"
Troubled Hollywood star MELANIE GRIFFITH has been bann from getting any more plastic surgery by worried husband ANTONIO BANDERAS. What scared Banderas the most was Griffith seeking plastic surgery tips from Michael Jackson.
When they say "instant credit," don't they actually mean "instant debt"?
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe somebody can adopt you.
Q: What was the convenience store clerk's reaction when Satan came in and asked for a lemon lime drink?
A: He gave the Devil his Dew.
Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.
Martha Stewart's recipe for chicken casserole is boil the chicken in water then Dump The Stock.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Instructions On Products.
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS: Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten George Carlinisms.
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Famous Last Words.
Ha! They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist...
Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
We won't need reservations.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
Don't worry, it's not loaded.
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
You can make it easy... that train isn't coming fast.
Gimmee a match. I think my gas tank is empty.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Fourteen Words And Their Meanings In Corporate Lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twenty Six Kids Conversations.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE : Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY : Me!
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED : I get up early.
TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, sir.
TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.
TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
DON: I hope you didn't either.
GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
JUNIOR: Because of absence.
MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
FATHER : What's that?
TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."
ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
TEACHER: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
MAX: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defense before detail.
TEACHER: Toby, what are you doing under your desk?
TOBY: Didn't you tell us to read Dr.Jekyll and Hyde (hide)?
The principal was annoyed by the noise during the assembly program. "There seem to be several idiots in the auditorium this morning," he snapped.
"Wouldn't it be better to hear one at a time?" a voice shouted.
"Okay---you start."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?
SASHA: A new bike.
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
TEACHER: Why are you late?
AMOS: I lost my quarter.
TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?
OLIVER: I was standing on it.
"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.
"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.
"No."
"I'm the principal's daughter."
"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.
"No," she replied.
"Thank goodness!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Attainable Resolutions.
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Interesting Quotes.
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
-Dorothy Parker
"Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
-James Thurber
"Life is a zoo in a jungle."
-Peter DeVries
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?"
-Jean Cocteau
"Hollywood -- a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum."
-Laurence Stallings
"One of the most obvious facts about grown-ups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child."
-Randall Jarrell
"The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit."
-Dwight Morrow
"No man is ever old enough to know better."
-Holbrook Jackson
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am."
-Bernard Baruch
"History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living."
-Lawrence Durrell
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose."
-Winston Churchill
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Thoughts To Ponder.
Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Imponderables.
* Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
* If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Four Kid Comments.
* A kindergarten teacher asked, "What is the shape of the earth?" One little girl spoke up: "According to my daddy -- terrible!"
* Trying to come to the aid of his father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the little tyke piped up, "Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"
* Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor." "Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."
* I guess you can get too health conscious... The wife and I don't have a lot of "junk food" in the house. Upon eating a snack of some munchies or other, my grandson asked what vitamins they had in them. I told him I doubted there were any at all. He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Four Ice Cream Jokes.
Q. How do astronauts eat their ice cream?
A. In floats.
Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!
Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
A: Ice cream.
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a' la mode.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten T-Shirt Slogans.
"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore