The Top Nine Thanksgiving Riddles.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
What is the best thing to put into stuffing?
Your teeth!
What is the key to a good Thanksgiving dinner?
The tur-key!
Did the little Pilgrims eat their turkey with their fingers?
No, they never ate their fingers!
Why were the Pilgrims afraid of the turkey?
Because he was always a'gobblin!
Why didn't the Pilgrim want to make the bread?
It's a crummy job!
Why didn't the turkey want any lunch?
He was already stuffed!
What part of the turkey can play in a band?
The drum-stick!
What can you never eat for Thanksgiving dinner?
Breakfast or lunch!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twelve Puns.
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese. (Daniel Riehs)
Crack dealers stick their business in other people's noses.
I've heard that the government is planning on taxing the mathematically illiterate. Wait!! Isn't that called the lottery? (Bob Dvorak)
I used to frequent a buffet restaurant, one where you even get your own drinks, but they still want to get tipped. At the exit there was a box bolted to the wall with a sign on it that said "tip box." I tried to, but it was too firmly bolted to tip it. (Barry Austern)
I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If a man were forced to serve two prison terms, I suppose he'd have a compound sentence. (Douglas Helsel)
The math department felt they weren't getting enough students registering as math majors, so they made a commercial and aired it on prime time -- 2 o'clock, 3 o'clock, 5 o'clock, 7 o'clock, and 11 o'clock. (Bob Dvorak)
Cars driven at night burn midnight oil. (George Sholin)
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
A mathematician scolding his child: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times." (Bob Dvorak)
If you're sharing an apartment with a sheep and a cow, could you consider them your ruminates? (Gary Hallock)
Applying mascara in a car can cause whipped lashes. (Pun of the Day)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Excuses Given For Not Doing Homework.
# I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.
# I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
# A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.
# Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
# Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.
# I'm not at liberty to say why.
# I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.
# It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
# I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
# I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Weird Library Reference Questions.
Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels.
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Punny Truisms.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A School Teacher.
1 . You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August to June.
10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Short Puns.
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He
says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too
much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac," by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the
floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten T-Shirt Slogan.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
Stupidity is NOT a handicap. Park elsewhere!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Immutable Laws.
When one wishes to unlock a door but has has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)
Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
and here I thought it was just me :hug: ..thanks Bangalore :grouphug:
The Top Five Stock Market Definitions.
STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment after you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Questions Without Answers.
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Laws Of The Toddler.
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Medical Records.
The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:
* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
* She is numb from her toes down.
* While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 signs Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
10. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because there isn't one typewriter in your house --only computers with laser printers.
9. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
8. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
7. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
6. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
5. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading JohnGrisham novels.
4. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
3. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
1. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore