The Top Six Halloween Jokes.
Q. What would you do if a witch, an alien, Count Dracula and Frankenstein were at your door?
A. Hope it was Halloween.
Q. Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
A. They're afraid of flying off the handle!
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body
Q. What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
A. Bone appetite!
Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers
Q. Who was the most famous ghost detective?
A. Sherlock Moans.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Opinions On Inventions By Experts.
Electric Light - "good enough for our transatlantic friends, but unworthy of the attention of practical or scientific men" British Parliment report on Edison's work, 1878.
The Telephone - "That's an amazing invention, but who would ever want to use one of them?" Pres. Rutherford Hayes, 1876
Television - "People will soon get tired of staring at a plywood box every night." Darryl F. Zanuck, head of Twentieth Century-Fox, 1946.
Computers - "There is no reason for any individual to have computer in their home." Ken Olson, Pres. of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
Aviation - "The popular mind often pictures gigantic flying machines speeding across the Atlantic and carrying innumerable passengers...it seems safe to say that such ideas are wholly visionary." Harvard astronomer Wm. Henry Pickering, 1908.
Nuclear energy - "Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years." vacuum cleaner manufacturer, Alex Lewyt, 1955.
Medicine - "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will be forever shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". leading British surgeon Sir John Erichsen, 1837.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Kids' Kitchen Terms.
BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
DESSERT: The reason for eating a meal.
EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.
TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Holiday Puns.
I'd say, "May the fourth be with you," but this is July.
In 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made. It was the first flag poll.
Teacher: "Which son of old Virginia wrote the Declaration of Independence?"
Student: "I think it was Thomas Jeffer's son."
My mother's sisters are both incontinent, but they don't let it get them down. Every year, around this time, they host an in Depends aunts day celebration.
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten One Liners Worth Remembering
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Automobile Acronyms.
AUDI Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
BUICK Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
DODGE Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven School Excuses.
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Reasons Why Men Are Proud Of Themselves.
1. We know stuff about tanks.
2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase.
3. We can open all our own jars.
4. We can make decisions without a support group.
5. We can leave a motel bed unmade.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Inspirational Posters For The Cubicle Era.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
** If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
** Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
** Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
** Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
** A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.
** If at first you don't succeed, try management.
** Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
** TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
** The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Signs Of A Good Husband.
He consistently spills things in the same location so as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.
- He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.
- He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
- He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two times in a row.
- He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
- Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
- Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there..."
- Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "It's definitely an interesting dress."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You are In Texas.
You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Literary Insults.
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Literary Insults.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Sixteen Newspaper Errors.
1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
4.From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."
5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.
6. In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.
7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners' clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.
9. In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother, not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.
11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.
13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
15. In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Six Mother's Day One Liners.
If evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands?
Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!
Hey guys -- looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on Mother's Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."
Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.
Most Mothers are always amazed when their sons/daughters marry a person with much lower mental capacity, ambition and moral standards, yet still manage to have utterly brilliant children.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore