The Top Ten Signs.
At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.
* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
* On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy
* In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
* On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
* On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
* In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
* In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
* In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.
* On a roller coaster: Watch your head.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Stupid Persons.
Who Waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get some traffic jam.
* Saluted the refrigerator because it was a General Electric.
* Went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education.
* Ate some pennies and then asked if people saw any change in him.
* Cut off his hands so he could play the piano by ear.
* Put birdseed in his shoes to feed his pigeon toes.
* Knocked on the lamp post because he saw a light upstairs and knew someone was home.
* Brought a ladder to the party because the drinks were on the house.
* Put his chin on the curb to get his mind out of the gutter.
* Jumped from a skyscraper to show he had guts.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Last Minute Automotive Gift Suggestions.
1. Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25
2. Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
3. Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24
4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
5. Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
6. Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
7. Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
8. Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
9. Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
10. Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Rules Of Life.
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ways To Mess Up A Job Interview.
Personnel executives of 100 major corporations were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.
1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumb-struck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten New York City Driving Rules.
1) Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Long Island driver never uses them. Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.
2) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3) Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."
4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
5) Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
7) Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the median.
8) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
9) Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.
10) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs - Here And There.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Three Quips.
A group of scientists in Boston announced that they have successfully grown human teeth in a laboratory for the very first time. This is great news for dentists, and even better news for guests on the Jerry Springer Show.
The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth.
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
...If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
...Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
...The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
...If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition -even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
...You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
...Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
...If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
...The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Ruminations.
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch. --Dave James
Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life. --Dave Henry
Sometimes I think astronauts are the luckiest people on earth, but only when they're in space. --Alan Smithee
I think it says a lot about our nation's skewed priorities that we give the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program, even during prime-time. --Matt Diamond
If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is surprised? --Jim Lockwood
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate.
1.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Ways To Survive Dull Sermons.
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
- See if a yawn really is contagious
- Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the minister.
- Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
- Listen for the speakers to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B and so on through the alphabet.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You're From Tennessee.
You've never met any celebrities....other than Fred Thompson.
"Vacation" means going to the family reunion.
You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer and Christmas.
You laugh when people from anywhere north of TN tries to say or spell "y'all".
It's "Mar-vull" not "Mary-ville".
It's "Knox-vull" not "Knox-ville".
A tabogan is a hat, not a sled.
You butter your hot biscuit by cutting it open, putting a slab of butter inside and closing it back up again.
Pigeon Forge is not pronounced with a French accent.
Gatlinburg does have an "L" in it and it should be pronounced.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Self-Help Books -- A Plain Man's Guide.
From Magazine Supplement with UK Newspaper, The Mail on Sunday
The Secret of Personal Growth -- Shoes with Lifts
Learn to be Assertive -- Take Charge of the TV Remote Control
How to Speak in Public -- How to Say "There's a Queue/Line" Without Getting Punched
How to Win Friends -- The Advantages of Showering Daily
Discovering Your Inner Self -- Do It Yourself Microsurgery
Realisation Through Yoga -- Realising You Can't Get Your Feet Behind Your Head
Boost Self-Confidence -- Stand Up to Door-to-Door Salesmen
Developing a Better Image -- Plastic Surgery
Achieving Self-Awareness -- Knowing Your Alcohol Limit
The Easy Way to Wealth -- Marry Someone Rich
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore