The Top Nine Bad Excuses For Speeding
1. "This is my tryout for Nascar."
2. "I've got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing."
3. "That McDonald's offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!"
4. "I'm trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV."
5. "Cause those Gorditas rule."
6. "Uh-Oh..Wapner's on...I'm an excellent driver."
7. "Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go."
8. "Umm..I'm drunk?"
9. "Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette "Uninvited" song!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Things Not To Do At A Hostage Negotiation As Hostage Taker:
1. Demand to speak only with FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.
2. Have one of the hostages hold your gun while you make a quick trip to the bathroom.
3. Let one hostage go to the bathroom. When he doesn't return, send the others to see what's taking him so long.
4. Agree to let the hostages go, after doing so, make you demands.
5. Rig the building to explode if someone tries to go through the door, then remember that you forgot to lock your car and leave the room.
6. Confuse the detonator for your explosive booby-traps with your garage door opener.
7. Tell the negotiator that you'd rather choke on tear gas than let the hostages go.
8. Allow one of the hostages to win possession of your gun because of a paper-rock scissors tournament.
9. Forget your gun at home.
10. Run away bawling like a baby when one of your hostages calls you a "meanie".
11. Ask the negotiator to tell your fiancee that this is all a joke and would she marry you.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Useless Inventions.
# Non stick Cellotape
# Solar Powered Flash Light
# A black highlighter pen
# Glow in the dark sunglasses
# Inflatable Anchor
# Smooth Sandpaper
# Waterproof sponge
# Waterproof Teabags
# AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
# Fireproof Matches
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher
1. Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.
2. As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.
3. Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.
4. Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler's favorite pasta.
5. Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as "technically" U.S. States.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs You're Out of Shape.
1. You've ever torn something just trying to turn off the alarm clock.
2. People at work only refer to you by saying "Hey fatso!"
3. You've thrown your back out by carrying a bag of groceries.
4. Random strangers come up, poke you in the stomach and expect you to giggle.
5. Your record is 34 Pushups and you could have done more if the Ice Cream Man would have taken plastic.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Signs That You Have A Boring Job
1. You're introduced to everyone as "The Minesweeper God".
2. You have visited every website in the world.
3. You're the Spelling Bee Coordinator in rural Alabama.
4. You are the only one that is ready for the rush of ticket sales for that New Kids on the Block reunion tour.
5. You're able to pull staples out of papers with your teeth.
6. Your doctor says that he's never seen someone exposed to so much photocopier radiation in his life.
7. You've seen the late night commercial for the Chia Dildo.
8. Your workload is so intense that you can write Top 10 lists all day long.
9. In your 10 years on the force as an Amish Traffic Cop, you have not had to write one single speeding ticket.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Eight Reasons Why It's Great To Be French.
1. Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
2. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
3. If there's a war you can surrender really early
4. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
5. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
6. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
7. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
8. People think you're a great lover even when you're not
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You're In California.
# The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
# You were born somewhere else.
# You know how to eat an artichoke.
# The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
# Your car has bulletproof windows.
# Left is right and right is wrong.
# Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
# Your mouse has only one ball.
# You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
# You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be An Internet Addict.
# You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
# Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
# Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
# You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
# You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
# Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
# You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
# Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
# All of your friends have an @ in their names.
# When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending is Not The Real Woodstock.
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Best Remarks by Golf Caddies.
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A Bad Cook.
1. The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
2. Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
3. You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
4. Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
5. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
6. Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
7. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat wave and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better.
8. You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
9. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
10. The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things To Do When You're Bored.
Wax the ceiling
-Rearrange political campaign signs
-Sharpen your teeth
-Play Houdini with one of your siblings
-Braid your dog's hair
-Clean and polish your belly button
-Water your dog...see if he grows
-Wash a tree
-Knight yourself
-Name your child Edsel
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Firestone Tires.
10. "Safer than a Russian sub."
9. "The perfect gift for your mother-in-law."
8. "Because there's a lot riding on your lawsuit."
7. "Better than driving around on your axles, right?"
6. "Pop a set on your car today."
5. "C'mon, did you really expect good tires on a new Ford?"
4. "Reinforcing the importance of the 25 mph speed limit."
3. "Hey, it's not like we crashed our blimp or something."
2. "Best Blow Job In Town!"
1. "You can't recall a better tire."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR
10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club."
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore