The Top Thirteen Thoughts To Ponder About Americans.
"A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Funny Quips.
This is my first day out of mourning. My cousin died. He was a dyslexic policeman who had a heart attack. They found him by the phone trying to dial 119. - Joan Rivers
I learned something the other day. I learned the Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them. --Bruce Clark
Did you hear about those two students in New York who sued Pace University because the math in their computer course was too hard? They won $1,000, but actually, the school got the last laugh. They gave the kids $700 and told them it was $1,000. - Jay Leno
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: "Basement?" - Rodney Dangerfield
The only time you don't need a prenuptial is if he has no children...he's got a bad cough and a walker. --Ivana Trump (on ex-husband Donald)
It's good to be back in New York but the crime situation has gotten bad. When I was getting off the plane the pilot was putting the 'club' on the steering wheel. - John Mendoza
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer. -- Rodney Dangerfield
The last time I tried to get into the normal work force the guy told me I had to wear high heels. I'll wear the high heels but I am going to need a handicapped parking space. -- Margaret Smith
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Redneck Computer Terms.
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Reasons Why The Television Is Better Than The World Wide Web.
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You're Broke.
1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
5. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
6. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
7. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
8. You receive care packages from Europe.
9. Your bologna has no first name.
10. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be Canadian.
# It beats being an American.
# Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
# You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
# Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
# Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
# A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
# Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
# Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
# Own-an-eskimo scheme.
# Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Thinnest Books Around.
# The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
# The Amish Phone Directory
# Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
# George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
# French Hospitality
# Everything Women Know About Men
# Everything Men Know About Women
# Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
# Different Ways To Spell Bob
# Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery.
# Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
# "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
# Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
# Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
# Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
# Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
# Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
# There go the lights again?
# "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
# Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Signs You're In A Bad Nursing Home.
# Its named Heaven's Waiting Room.
# Cheap TV antenna can't pick up Xena: Warrior Princess.
# Defibrilator doubles as a remote control.
# Its named Matlock Manor.
# No furniture in it outside of beds and lots of caskets.
# Radio stations alternate between Glenn Miller and broadcasting Last Rites in every language known to man.
# You can't ring a nurse but you can page the attorney's office down the hall.
# Rectal thermometers made of wood.
# Two words: Community Bedpan.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Seven Things You Should Not Say To A Judge
1. "I got your community service right here pal!"
2. "Boy your chamber sure does look different with the lights on."
3. "You couldn't carry Wapner's gavel you moron!"
4. "You're not as easy to buy as others said you were."
5. "No you robe wearing geek."
6. "I don't suppose there's a "You get me off, I get you off" type of deal out there?"
7. "Just out of curiousity, are you wearing pants?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 Least Desirable Fortunes In A Fortune Cookie
1. We know where you live.
2. You will need good reading material in approximately 15 minutes.
3. Everyone's meal today is on you!
4. The "special sauce" came from the floor!
5. Guess what our special "drop" was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
6. Your colon will self destruct in five seconds.
7. A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
8. Your dog Sparky...he's no longer missing.
9. See the waiter about our new food poison life insurance policies.
10. MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus....maybe
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Ten Signs That You Are Too Drunk.
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye.
# Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
# He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
# His best disguise is wearing a hat.
# Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
# Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
# Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
# Well, he's blind.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say.
# Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
# You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
# Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.
# What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
# Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Books on Tape We Don't Want To Hear.
The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore