The Top Eight Cooking Terms.
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top eleven Occupational Descriptions.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think they liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hades in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Six Helpful Hints For The Inexperienced American Traveler.
* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"
* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.
* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.
* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.
* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.
* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Side Effects Of A Life In Comedy.
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
* Everything tastes funny.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten George Carlinisms.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Office Illnesses.
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Interesting Quotes.
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." -Dorothy Parker
"Well if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?"
-James Thurber
"Life is a zoo in a jungle." -Peter DeVries
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -Jean Cocteau
"Hollywood -- a place where the inmates are in charge of the asylum."
-Laurence Stallings
"One of the most obvious facts about grown-ups to a child is that they have forgotten what it is like to be a child." -Randall Jarrell
"The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit." -Dwight Morrow
"No man is ever old enough to know better." -Holbrook Jackson
"Old age is always 15 years older than I am." -Bernard Baruch
"History is an endless repetition of the wrong way of living." -Lawrence Durrell
"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill- designed for the purpose." -Winston Churchill
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You're At A Bad Zoo.
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things You Never Hear In Church.
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Random Quotes.
"There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age."
"I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarian and we're skeptical." (Charles Schultz)
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)
"Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars, and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." (Douglas Adams)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman)
"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver." (Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman)
"Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable."
"If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag."
"100,000 lemmings can't be wrong."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Questions Without Answers.
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Dilbert's Laws Of Work.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Marriage Quotes.
"Some marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning."
"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the number that re-enlist." - James Garner
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." - Benjamin Franklin
"Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost - she may have got him."
"A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions he can answer." - Ronald Colman
"Before marriage the three little words are 'I love you', after marriage they are, 'let's eat out'."
"By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philospher." - Socrates
"A diplomatic husband said to his wife, 'How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?' "
"It takes a smart spouse to have the last word and not use it."
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." - Bill Lawrence
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Marriage Quotes.
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think." - Ladies Home Journal
"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaingne
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." - Arthur Baer
"Marriage is a great institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet." - Mae West
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." - Sacha Guitry
"You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married and a few words in your sleep to get divorced."
"If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you can't afford divorce." - Jack Nicholson
"The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it."
"The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding."
"A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one." - Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore