The Top Ten Maxine's Maxims.
Time to lie on the beach. Yeah, I never tell the truth anywhere.
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
I'm a pretty patient person. Just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything.
I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook.
Remember the "Twilight Zone" episode where a man went all day without saying anything stupid? That'll never happen in real life.
It's National Chili Week! Which makes next week National Stay Indoors Week.
I learned something important about burning leaves. Wait until they fall off the trees.
With each passing week, the days are getting a little bit shorter. Kind of like me.
Here's a spooky Halloween mystery: How do they fit so many calories into those mini candy bars?
Sadie Hawkins Day is when women hit on men. If noogies count, I hit on 'em every day.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Maxine's Maxims.
I'm thinking of renewing my vow ... to never get married again.
Breaking up is hard to do. Unless you're mad and there's a vase nearby.
The best thing about late November is watching people who make homemade Christmas gifts start to really panic.
I could be a member of the "Polar Bear Club." Yeah, I stand in freezing cold water whenever someone flushes the toilet while I'm in the shower.
I enjoy battling mall crowds for the hot new Christmas toys. Oh, I don't buy the toy -- I just like battling.
Ever notice how the guy with the light-up Christmas tie always leaves the party alone?
I found a surprise or two under the tree -- the dog hates going outside in the snow.
I've got Christmas fever. That's what I get for skipping my flu shot.
My personal goal for this year is to get in the way of other people's goals.
I wish those long-distance phone companies would offer a special low rate on those calls to relatives that rattle on and on about nothing.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Quips From Senior Citizens.
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, But they told me they were out of stock.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Health Questions Answered.
Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Glad I could help you out!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Real 911 Calls.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Hi, is this the Police?
Dispatcher: This is 9-1-1. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering.....does the fire department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well.. do you think the fire department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Punny Truisms.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Punny Truisms.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Calories That Don't Count.
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening, about 50 calories a tablespoon. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chip eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories. Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor, like electricity. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hot dog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything produced, purchased or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca -- consumed for demonstration purposes -- up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
UNEVEN EDGES: Pies and cakes should be cut neatly, in even wedges or slices. If not, the responsibility falls on the person putting them away to "straighten up the edges" by slicing away the offending irregularities, which have no calories when eaten. If pie or cake is neatly cut, but the remainder is not easily divisible into equal servings, it's also permissible to even things up ... without calorie consequence.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten One Liners.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bible Theme Songs.
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Things NOT To Give Her For Valentines Day.
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.
4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
6. A gift certificate.
7. Cash.
8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Valentine's Day Oneliners.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!
What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?
A stupid cupid!
Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!
Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"
What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
"I find you very attractive."
What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!
What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!
What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."
Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bumper Stickers.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Adults are just kids with money.
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a bus hit mine.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seventeen Signs That You're In A Redneck Church.
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Job Seekers.
Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
Jesse James: I can list among my experience and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
Lucrezia Borgia: My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the department, our competition just seemed to drop out of sight one by one.
Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
Lady Godiva: What do mean, this isn't 'business casual'?
Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore