The Top Seven Retirement Questions And Answers.
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep in his chair.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nineteen Travel Brochure Terms (Translated).
Old world charm (Room and a bath)
Tropical (Rainy)
Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)
Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)
Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)
Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)
Explore on your own (At your own expense)
Knowledgeable trip hosts (They've flown in an airplane before)
No extra fees (No extras)
Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)
Standard (Sub-standard)
Deluxe (Barely Standard)
Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap)
All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)
Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)
Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)
Light and airy (No air conditioning)
Picturesque (Theme park nearby)
24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost - when available)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bread Statistics.
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Four Matchbook Warnings.
"WARNING: Matches have been proven by the Fire Inspector General to be the leading cause of fire."
"WARNING: Do not touch flame because it may be hot."
"WARNING: Do not hold flame up to your clothing as this may cause you to catch on fire."
"WARNING: Do not pour gasoline on yourself prior to striking match as this may cause an explosion."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs Seen Across The USA.
At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.
In a New York drugstore: We dispense with accuracy.
In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.
In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center
On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Travel Agents' Stories.
The following are stories told by travel agents about actual experiences. (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography tests.)
A client called inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me: "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response: Click.
A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax the list. To my surprise it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana, which has the postal code LA. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she wasn't even embarrassed.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I explained that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Southern Medical Terms.
Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............... A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Southern Medical Terms.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Southern Medical Terms.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor.......................... One plus one more.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eight Actual Call Center Conversations.
Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?" Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?" Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre." Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?"
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about." Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone socket on the wall."
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please." Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?" Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Darndest Things Said By Kids.
The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear From a Southern Man.
Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
Wrestling's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
Who gives a hoot who won the Civil War?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Do you think my gut is too big?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A School Teacher.
1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
4. You believe chocolate is a food group.
5. You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
6. You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
7. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
8. When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
9. You have no life between August to June.
10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ruminations & Ponderances .
f I ever got to drive a 'Big Rig' truck, I think it would be fun to sleep in those back bunks, but I bet it would be even more fun to watch the truck careen driverless down the highway. --Kermit Woodall
I think probably the best place to be during an earthquake would be bungie-jumping. --Andrea Judson
After considerable thought, I have concluded that a Ponderance is merely a Rumination dressed up in fancy clothes. --Ed Smith
Did you know that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig's Disease? What are the odds of that? --Bill Muse
Sometimes when it's raining really really hard outside and I'm inside, I want to find the guy who invented buildings and give him a big kiss. Not a big wet kiss, though, because that would defeat the purpose. --R.M. Weiner
If you know someone as honest as the day is long, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to lend them money in the wintertime. --Matt Diamond
If the walls have ears, why aren't they clearly marked? The last thing I want to do is puncture an eardrum when I'm hanging up a picture. --Paul Paternoster
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. That and the thought of "Showgirls, Part Two." --Jennifer Ritzinger
I think a good idea for a new Broadway musical would be "Jonestown!" featuring the toe-tapping finale, "Don't Drink the Kool-Aid!" --R.M. Weiner
Dissection of the bird doth not reveal the mystery of its flight. But you do get a gander at its last meal. --Doug Johnson
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twelve Proverbs & Counter-Proverbs.
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore