The Top Ten Signs You Might Be From Montana.
The wind is faster than your truck.
You own more than four pairs of gloves.
Every other vehicle is a 4x4.
The sun goes down and you immediately grab your coat.
In March your vehicle is 43% mud.
You leave your keys in your car and the next morning it's still there.
You installed your new computer using a Leatherman tool.
Wolves are naturally free and house cats are on a leash.
You hear the words "stream" or "brook" pronounced as "crick".
The elevation exceeds the population of your town.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be From Louisiana.
The crawdad mounds in your front yard have over taken the grass.
You greet people with "Howzyamomma'an'dem?" and hear back "Dey fine!"
Every so often, you have waterfront property.
You can pronounce Tchoupitoulas but can't spell it.(also, Thibodaux, Opelousas, Ponchartrain, Ouachita, Atchafalaya.)
You don't worry when you see ships riding higher in the river than the top of your house.
You "wrench" your hands in the sink with an onion bar to get the crawfish smell off.
You're not afraid when someone wants to "ax you something".
You don't learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
You don't realize until high school what a "county" is.
You pronounce the largest city in the state as "Nawlins".
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Camping Tips.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Stock Market Definitions.
STOCK - A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment after you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND - What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER - The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke".
BEAR - What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL - What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN - Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION - A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").
COMMISSION - The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK - What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Tips To Customers Regarding Supermarket Checkout.
1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Interesting Points About Men.
1. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
2. All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
3. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
4. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
5. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
6. Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?"
7. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
8. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
9. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
10. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Womanly Truisms.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer but it's also a lousy beautician.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Thirteen Car Ads, Translated.
Two tone paintwork - Original color and rust
One careful owner - But the other nine were clumsy as anything
10,000 trouble-free miles - crashed in the last 20 feet
Heated rear window - so you don't get cold hands when push-starting the thing in winter
Very clean - only washed if and when it rains
Lady owner - the glove box is full of half-used cosmetics
Clean interior - all the rubbish is under the floor mats
Immobiliser - the gear shift comes off in your hand
Anti-theft device - I can let you have a rottweiler cheap
Drives beautifully - in a straight line; the steering is all over the place
Low mileage - the odometer is on its third time around
Full service history - Charlie in the garage round the corner checked it over last week
Economical - doesn't use much fuel, as it can't go any faster than 30 mph
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Phobias.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.
Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Things Only Women Understand.
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Comedians' Best Lines From 1997.
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." --Jake Johansen
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Geography Jokes.
"It's clear," said the teacher, "that you haven't studied your geography. What's your excuse?"
"Well," the student replied, "my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!"
Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead? I didn't even know he was sick!
Teacher: What are the small rivers that run into the Nile?
Pupil: The juve-niles!
Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?
Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see!
Teacher: What are the Great Plains?
Pupil: 747, Concorde, and F-16!
Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
Pupil: I don't know -- my TV doesn't pick it up.
Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because I didn't know where the Rockies were.
Mother: Well, next time remember where you put things!
Teacher: Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York harbor?
Pupil: Because it can't sit down!
Teacher: Is Lapland heavily populated?
Class: No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!
Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland.
Student: A reindeer.
Teacher: Good, now name another.
Student: Another reindeer!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be From New Mexico.
1. You can correctly pronounce words like Tesuque, Cerrillos, Acoma, Buena, Ocotillo, and Pojoaque (and you actually know what or where they are!)
2. You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for internaional shipping.
3. You expect to pay more if your house is made of Adobe.
4. You can order your Big Mac with green chile.
5. You buy salsa by the half-gallon.
6. You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
7. Your Christmas decorations include "red Chiles, a half-ton of sand and 200 paper bags."
8. Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los."
9. The tires on your roof have more tread than the ones on your car.
10. You price shop for tortillas.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bits Of Advice To Dumb Criminals.
If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot... *Do* pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.
*Don't* invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have dope on the table in plain view.
When you go on a burglary spree *Do* ensure you have enough gas in your vehicle to drive away from your crime scene.
"But I know the people who live here" is *Not* a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.
When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test *Don't* say, "Well, I can't do that sober!" on camera, and then plead not guilty.
If you are going to steal a car *Do* pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo.
*Don't* answer a question with the phrase, "Who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.
*Don't* repeat the question that the officer just asked. It's considered a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are getting ready to lie through your teeth.
*Don't* say, "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.
*Do* pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Slogans For Women's T-shirts.
1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.
4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just can't remember it all.
5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.
6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.
7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.
8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore