The Top Nineteen Staff Descriptions.
Outgoing Personality..........Always going out of the office
Good Communication Skills.......Spends lots of time on phone
Average Employee..............................Not too bright
Exceptionally Well Qualified......Made no major blunders yet
Work is First Priority................Too ugly to get a date
Active Socially.................................Drinks a lot
Family is Active Socially.................Spouse drinks, too
Independent Worker.............Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking......................Offers plausible excuses
Careful Thinker........................Won't make a decision
Aggressive..........................................Obnoxious
Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs......Gets someone else to do it
Expresses Themselves Well.....................Speaks English
Meticulous Attention to Detail..................A nit picker
Has Leadership Qualities.........Is tall or has a loud voice
Exceptionally Good Judgement...........................Lucky
Keen Sense of Humor...............Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Career Minded...................................Back Stabber
Loyal..........................Can't get a job anywhere else
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ways To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba."
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camoflage.
AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten The Difference Between Cats And Dogs.
What is a Cat?
1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1) Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2) They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3) They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4) They growl when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to play.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They are great at begging.
8) They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9) They leave their toys everywhere.
10) They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They're tiny little men in fur coats.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A Southern Baptist.
You honestly believe that the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.
You think worship music has to be loud.
You think Jesus actually used Welch's grape juice and saltine crackers.
You judge the quality of a service by its length.
Your definition of fellowship has something to do with food.
You think God's presence is strongest on the back three pews.
You think "Amazing Grace" is the national anthem.
You judge the quality of the sermon by the amount of sweat worked up by the preacher.
You believe that you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven.
You have never sung the third verse of any hymn.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Fifteen Political Bloopers.
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
"My fellow astronauts..." --Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
"Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life." --Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." --Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
"I stand by all the misstatements." --Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
"Gerald Ford was a Communist" --Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
"Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
"We found the term 'killing' too broad." --State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
"This is a great day for France!" --President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected." --California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
"It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talk-show host." --James Baker, televangelist.
"The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated." --Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police." --U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
"What he does on his own time is up to him." --Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
"Facts are stupid things." --Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Sixteen Differences Between you And Your Boss.
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't get something done, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't get something done, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When you do it your own way, you don't do what your told.
When your boss does it, he's showing creativity.
When you do it on your own, you're overstepping your bounds.
When your boss does it, he's demonstrating initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss takes a stand, he's being firm.
When you violate a rule, you're self-centered.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you help a peer, you're not busy enough.
When your boss does it, he's a team player.
When someone else does your work, you're passing the buck.
When someone else does his work, he's assigning responsibility.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you call in sick, you're going golfing.
When your boss calls in sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
When you're seen shopping during work hours, you're a slacker.
When your boss is doing the same, he's picking up office supplies.
When you get a raise, you're lucky.
When he gets one, he really earned it.
When you do a good job, you get a pat on the back.
When he does a good job, he gets a bonus.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Rejected Valentine Card Romantic Lines.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother...
Roses are red, violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head...
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face...
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not...
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face...
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Wow, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really messed up my life...
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming...
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime...
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nine Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified.
9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
6. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Attainable Resolutions.
Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Focus on the faults of others.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
Read less. Makes you think.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
Wait around for opportunity
Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Inventions That Never Made It
10. The waterproof towel
9. Glow in the dark sunglasses
8. Solar powered flashlights
7, Submarine screen doors
6. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart boards
4. A dictionary index
3. Powdered water
2. Waterproof tea bags
And the Number ONE invention that never made it...
1. The helicopter ejector seat
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Ten Ten Rules of Dieting.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. (This rule also applies to mixed drinks. Example: rum and diet coke)
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
When you eat with someone else, your calories don't count if they eat more than you do.
Calories in food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Examples: hot chocolate, brandy and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because everyone knows that movies aren't real.
When preparing food, things licked off spoons and knives have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife when making a sandwich; ice cream on a spoon when making a sundae; cake frosting.
Broken cookie pieces contain no fat. It leaks out.
Foods that are the the same color have the same number of calories, Examples: Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. (Note: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.)
Calories are a unit of heat. Therefore, frozen foods have no calories. Examples include ice cream, frozen pies and Popsicles.
Wild Card. Each dieter may add one rule that pertains to their particular, unique situation. For example: Pork Bar-B-Q has no fat or calories on all legal holidays in Alabama, Mississippi and Georgia.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten New Work Rules.
1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.
2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off a half-hour early, provided it is for an immediate family member and all your work is up to date.
4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we expect at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to train some0one else to do your job. By the way, if you die on the job, please fall over so we can tell the live workers from the dead ones.
5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the
next day when your time comes around again.
6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
8. RAISES: We understand the rising cost of living, but we expect you to work with us. No one will be considered for a raise until everyone over the age of twelve in his or her family is working two jobs and you have sold all your luxury items such as cars, refrigerators and school books.
9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 17 Headlines For 2043.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $1.6 million.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2044.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2046.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Excuses For Missing Work.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not s showing up for work. Okay?
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top 10 Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Computer Hacker.
10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker...
1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore