The Top Ten Things We All Would Like To Say At Work, But Can't.
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Twelve Actual Hiker Comments.
A wilderness area asked hikers to fill out comment cards. These are actual comments left by hikers.
Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter.
Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call XXX-XXX-XXXX.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 33 Quotes From The 1950's.
"I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket."
"Not only that,but it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?"
"Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President."
"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
" I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week."
"Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?"
"Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops."
"I'm just afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."
"Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer."
"I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it."
That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"Anymore, no one can afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
"I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
"We won't be going out much anymore. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
"Cars that dim there lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Do Not Use Computers!
10. to op OHQ05 rxd6TTO /6T Y#} P3E2Wq/g (It is too hard to type with paws)
9. Sit and stay were hard enough. Delete and save is out of the question!
8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway he's been browsing.
5. Fire hydrant icon is frustrating.
4. Can't help attacking screen when he hears, "You've Got Mail".
3. Too messy to mark every website he visits.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
1. Cannot stick his head out of WINDOWS 98.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Fourteen Bob Hope's Famous Quips.
ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100: " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover.'"
ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham.'"
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance -- waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it weren't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Eleven Women's Key Words And What They Really Mean.
FINE: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is a half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT: This is much different from �THANKS." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be care not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Oh Nothing."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Shortest Lists.
The complete list of:
- Conservative reporters employed by the New York Times.
- Politicians who actually care what you think.
- Men who really understand women and what they want.
- Actors/actresses who have a clue about real life.
- Honest attorneys.
- Movies never nominated for ANY award.
- Lottery winners whose fortunes now exceed their winnings.
- Golfers recording accurate non-tournament scores.
- Drivers never exceeding speed limits
- People who checked out the book titled "How to Teach Yourself to Read."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Parking Lot Rules That Many Can Relate To.
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Bizarre Driving Laws.
Alabama
# It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
# It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
# Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
# It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
# It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m.
California
# Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from driving a car.
# It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car with used underwear.
# No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
# If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
# State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Frivolous Lawsuits.
1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little so-and-so was her own son.
2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.
3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
And the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000, Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie. (Winniebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Rules Of The Air.
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Seven Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You.
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Ten Thanksgiving-Themed Movies.
10. "To Kill A Walking Bird"
9. "My Best Friend's Dressing"
8. "The Texas Coleslaw Massacre"
7. "Casserolablanca"
6. "Silence of the Yams"
5. "I Know What You Ate Last Winter"
4. "White Meat Can't Jump"
3. "All the President's Menu"
2. "When Harry Met Salad"
AND THE NUMBER ONE THANKSGIVING-THEMED MOVIE?
1. "The Wing and I"
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Nineteen Eternal Truths.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Some days are a total waste of makeup.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Really Bad Headlines.
March Planned For Next August
Blind Bishop Appointed To See
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore