The Top Five Signs That You Might Be Floridian.
You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.
All the local festivals are named after a fruit.
A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.
You think everyone from a bigger city has a northern accent.
You know the four seasons really are: almost summer, summer, not summer but really hot, and Christmas.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Might Be Floridian.
It's not soda, cola, or pop -- it's coke, regardless of brand or flavor: "What kinda coke you want?"
Anything under 95 is just warm.
You've hosted a hurricane party.
You go to a theme park for an afternoon and know when to get on the best rides.
You pass on the right and honk at the elderly.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Might Be Floridian.
You understand the futility of exterminating cockroaches.
You can pronounce Okeechobee, Kissimmee, and Withlacoochee.
You understand why it's better to have a friend with a boat than have a boat yourself.
Bumper stickers on the pickup in front of you include: various fish, NRA, and a confederate flag.
You were eight years old before you realized they made houses without pools.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You Might Be Floridian.
You were 12 when you first met someone who couldn't swim.
You get angry when people say, "Florida isn't really part of the SOUTH."
You've worn shorts and used the A/C on Christmas.
You know what the "stingray shuffle" is and why it's important!
You recognize Miami-Dade as "Northern Cuba." The south ends in the Ocala/Gainesville area, and then North Cuba begins.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break and Going Home for the Holidays:
You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.
Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.
To eat your meals, the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall in below freezing weather.
Instead of listening to "When I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "When your mother was your age..." and "During the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have Brussels sprouts. Heck, all we could afford was the sprout!"
You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds)
10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB floppy disk.
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
7. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
6. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
5. I resolve to back up my new 2 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
4. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
3. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
2. I will read the manual.
1. I will think of a password other than "password."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Stupid Inventions.
10. Black Highlighter
9. Braille Driver's Manual
8. Clear Correction Fluid
7. Fake Rhinestones
6. Inflatable Dart Board
5. Mesh Umbrella
4. Motorcycle Air Conditioner
3. Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
2. Super-glue Post-it Notes
AND THE NUMBER ONE STUPID INVENTION?
1. The system that allows you to report power failures via the Internet
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Church Bulletin Bloopers.
1) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2) The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3) The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4) Evening massage - 6 p.m.
5) The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6) The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7) Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8) Ushers will eat latecomers.
9) The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Bumper Stickers.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top 10 - Best Remarks by Golf Caddies.
#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Signs That You might Be A Redneck.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Five Facts About Americans.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Real Estate Agent When You Go To Settlement On Your New Home:
1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."
2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."
3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."
4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."
5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."
6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."
7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."
8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"
9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."
10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore
The Top Ten Signs That You Might Be A Scrooge.
You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.
You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.
You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.
You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.
Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.
Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.
You think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie.
Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.
Your favorite version of "Silent Night" is sung by OJ Simpson.
Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.
Warm Christian Love
Bangalore