Paradise Café Discussions A Place For Bible Research And Christian Encouragement

Hello Everybody, I hope you are all fine I don't post much at all but I have been sitting back and following along the discussions.

I need advice in a very sensitive subject. I don't even know if the matter is my business or not and it is somewhat embarrassing. My brother in law is an active witness (my husband is df) and very involved in his new congregation. He (25 yrs old) was engaged (now married) to a 19 yr old pioneer whose step-father is an elder in a neighboring hall. The sister is a nice dedicated lady and has been very civil to my husband and I. My MIL and BIL made it clear however that we are not welcome in my BIL's life or wedding because it is a JW ceremony only and my husband is not welcome there. (My hubby was brought into the elders for smoking a cigar-he got df for discussing the bible with the elders).

Last weekend, I received a bunch of weird emails from my BIL. They were forwards of his correspondance on craigslist. He was contacting women who posted an ad in the personal section. Some were correspondances back and forth. The emails span from summer of 2007 til this last Sunday. The last email, he was asking the lady for her rates and other racy stuff??

My husband admitted to me that he once saw his bother try the personals on craigslist but did not think anything of it since his brother was not engaged. My husband called his brother who denied the entire episode saying that a brother pranked him. He also said that the email was sent to his fiancee, mother and sister-all witnesses.

My husband spoke with his sister who said that my BIL used to send emails containing homosexual intercourse to several brothers and sisters. My husband had to clean out the family pc because it was full of pornography. A few years back my MIL admitted that my BIL approached the elders because he had a problem with strip clubs.

Despite this, my MIL and his fiancee believe him and think that a brother he grew up with sent the emails as a joke. He has since moved his wedding forward over 3 weeks and married using a JP. She is a sweet young girl who doesn't even own a pc and is unaware of his past.

My question is: since I receive the emails, do I have a resonsibility to help my BIL or my new SIL? I have seen his behavior progress from looking at pictures, to watching movies, to now soliciting. His JW MIL is in denial and his active JW sister knows he has a problem but brushed it off. A part of me says that it is none of my business, they marginalized us completly and want us no part of their world because we are apostate. My heart tells me that he is family and his pioneer wife is an innocent victim-my own sisters' age and that I should help them.

Any advice? I am deeply troubled over it and at the same time feel my heart ache for the way my husband is treated-a good man. vs the way his brother is treated.

I apologize for this rather long post-I always ramble on and the racy content? I dunno if this should be moved to controversy room.

Jah's peace,

Lou

Loyalty, I truly sympathize with people who have these family issues. From the overwhelming response here, maybe you should give Dr Phil a ring. LOL. It might be an interesting show.

well--it is my opinion this is a real tough situation. And-it seems there is already an explanation set up for deflection. I was involved once in a situation kind of similar in its complication a few years ago and a dear sister/friend of mine became engaged to a brother who had been in jail for pediphelia and he was jailed not once but several times and not only his own girls were victims but 2 other families. I was absolutely beside myself and talked to her as did another friend of mine. My real thoughts were ''ARE YOU KIDDING ME????" She didn't get mad at me but she did the other girl and decided she was just 'jealous' and even tho she wasn't angry with me it did change things and she withdrew from the warm and fun friendship we had had. It maybe didn't help tho that I couldn't go to her wedding. It is the only time I make that decision based on principle. It was a union I just didn't believe in and felt so sad/sick I couldn't support it. When he acted up again she felt there was no one to talk to as she thought there would be an ''I told you so'' attitude and she disappeared just months after their wedding. He was addicted to ''kiddie porn'' on the internet and when she found out she gave him an ultimatum--the computer or her--he left her that night and that was the beginning of a whole new chapter for her. He was caught in a sting operation attempting to connect with a supposed 13 year old child. (it was a police lady) and went back to prison. Nothing could have been said at the time to head this thing off and with only love in her heart for this 'guy' she couldn't hear the words of anyone else. Having experienced something like this I think it is so hard to know what the right thing to do is as it becomes unwelcomed and unsolicited advice yet we want to do the right thing. I think I'd want to know Lou but an awful lot of people don't and then feel resentful towards those who do come forth..IT can fall right under the catagory of ''no good deed goes unpunished.'' and this is absolutely No Help at all -very complicated 'stuff' going on here but I didn't want you to think there was no interest in the problem.... love, wolfie...xxx and Dr.Phil is a pretty good idea too. He always has lots to say

The fact you were sent all this stuff, does involve you, unfortunately.Get your brother to speak to his brother about this, and try to find out if he feels any repentance. You could of course just ignore the whole affair.If your conscience allows, you could send all the e-mails to the congregation elders, if you feel it needs to be brought out in the open.Yes, it is sad for his wife, but he obviously doesn't take her feelings into account!Very sad for her. Try talking first, and then see how it goes. If you're not satisfied, go further with it. I wouldn't worry about your husband, loyalty, he hasn't done anything wrong! The truth always comes out in the end.
Agape,
Sis Grateful

You mean exposed in the dark behind closed doors, don't you.

Thank you all for the response Wolfie I tried talking to his mother, hoping that she would be able to help him stop this mess. Her attitude changed towards me, I could tell just by her tone. She said that she would choose to believe him. My husband spoke to him. No only was he unrepentant but also lied outright....Sis Grateful, I do wonder why did I get the email?? Why me, I believe he will not stop but taking it to the elders would devestate his family. Maybe I should take bro Fred's advice and call Dr. Phil...the camera adds on 10lbs that I don't need!

I think I will not say anything to his wife and not mention it around her. I dunno if I could stomach being around him, as unrepentant as he is.

Thank you all,
Lou

Dear Lou I have been through alot of this stuff.
I was married for 25 years and I am sure that for the first 15 years my husband was loyal.
Then he went off the ropes, and boy was that slide fast.
I won't go into all the details and believe me they are lurid and many.

Now, the details even bore me.

So here we have some rattling skeletons which I hope will help you.

My husband (ex) is sick. He had no love as a child and so compensated parental warmth and affection with physical sex. The more sex = the more he was loved. The more women he could attract the more he was loved. Yikes!

I discovered all sorts of magazines, rendezvous, lascivious notes, dates, times, and I told the 'elders'. There were even couples involved.
The elders spoke to my ex. and reproved him, and told me he was "very sorry"!
I asked him to leave the house to give me time to think things over.
The elders imposed a time restriction on this!

My ex used our address for mail, and so I discovered other stuff: Phone numbers and phone records, so that when the elders came to me and asked for my decision I told them they were dupes; midnight calls by my ex. around the country to women had to be strange he included many descriptions of anatomy. Even the pea-brained cerebra of elders started to figure that out.
Though one did ask if these could be business connections.
Ex. was again privately reproved.

Even now I have a list of a hundred odd women, hand written in pen by ex. with their phone numbers and comments about their anatomy.

My ex-husband has never been disfellowshipped.

Now I know he is sick and will never get better until he realises he is not a stud but a lonely old man. (62)

Your BIL is very ill and what is worse he is probably causing and perpetuating permanent damage to children.
If your SIL ever wakes up to what is going on she will need you. Try to stay close without compromising.
MIL is enabling and may well be part of the cause.

Use your conscience. If something needs reporting, you must, and I don't mean elders. They are often a waste of space.
Jail will not help him it will only stop him harming others. He needs help and tough love.
The lack of love from parents in early years is perhaps the greatest sin in the world.

Love vicky....you can always pm me or I could call you if you just want to talk things through.

Well, Loyalty, it seems you have done enough in trying to resolve this problem within the family circle. I would suggest you now leave it well alone, as no one seems to care really about the consequences of your BIL's bizarre behaviour, except yourself and your husband. Let them get on with it. If the elders have some idea of what his problems are, then I imagine they will do something about him when it all comes out into the open. If they don't, I wouldn't worry about it. It's Jehovah who will be his judge in the end. Stay close to his wife, if you can, although I realise that may be difficult, under the circumstances. Yes, it's hypocrisy at its worst, isn't it? Devastating and nauseating to see, and worse, being unable to do anything about it creates in us a weariness that is draining. Try to put it out of your mind, and think about your own immediate family, sister.You are not the one who needs to resolve it.
Agape,
Sis Grateful